Forbid Them Not: The Secret Tale of Laura and Deanna
by AMCunning
Summary: A strange government letter turns the lives of Laura Frasier and Deanna Thomas upside down. Laura had wanted nothing except to do the will of her Father Below; Deanna, just wanted to be a good mother. But now they find themselves needing to navigate through the web of secrets and lies that surround them. What will they discover about the people around them, and, about themselves?
1. Meet Deanna Thomas

Author's Note: I doubt I'll make many author's notes. But, I just wanted to explain that this fanfic was inspired by Libby Anne's critique of Forbid Them Not by Michael Farris over on Patheos. (I'd post the link, but doesn't seem to like that.) My username is LokiLover over there. If you're not here from Patheos, I'd advise you to check out her blog. I'm going to try to make this a coherent story, but since my fanfic in the comments section of her blog is largely reactionary, there will probably be some things that I miss. The point of putting the story here is that there's some pretty important changes between my fanfic and the original book, which could be confusing to people who are new to my fanfic. so, I figured I'd put all of my fanfic here in an easy-to-enjoy format! Hope you like it! Oh, also, this is my first fanfic on this site.

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"Mommy! Look at this picture I made!" Layton said happily, showing off the picture he had colored in Laura's class.

"That's great, Layton! But mommy wants you to focus on your school right now, okay?" Deanna said. They were sitting at the picnic table enjoying the sunny day. Layton's younger sister, Nikki, was playing with dolls underneath the swing. The youngest, Trent, was taking a nap in the shade. This idyllic scene was interrupted by a car coming down the driveway. It was a brown Loudoun County Sheriff's cruiser. The deputy stepped out. "Deputy Wally? What's wrong?" Deanna asked.

"Oh, I've just got some legal papers for you, that's all. Don't ask me what they're about. I don't know. Don't ever know. I don't read 'em. I don't write 'em. I just deliver 'em," he replied. It was his standard incantation. He climbed back into the cruiser the moment he handed her the papers and sped down the driveway, leaving Deanna in the dust.

She scanned the document. Words like "Petition for Dependency" and "treaty obligation" stood out to her, but she couldn't understand why she would be given something like this. She scanned it again. This time she found what she was looking for: Peppered throughout were mentions of home schooling, spanking, and religious instruction. But how- "Oh... That woman! That... That wanton hussy!" _Did I just say that out loud?_ She instinctively checked her surroundings. The only sounds she could hear were from Layton and Nikki playing in the distance. _That's right. It's just me and my children out here in this rural setting. Good. No one can know that I'm a time-traveller from the past._ She laid the papers to the side as she considered her options. This would bring some very unwanted attention to her family. The chances of someone noticing she and her husband didn't belong in this era had greatly increased. She needed to call Rick.

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When Deanna called Rick, she had been nothing but a blubbering mess. Rick had tried to do everything he could to calm her down. At his coaxing she had managed to read the document out loud to him. He realized it was more serious than just unwanted publicity: There was a chance the government might even take their children away from them. Rick told her he was going to make a few calls, get a lawyer. He was going to figure this out, he promised. Deanna had blubbered her thanks.

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They were driving to meet the lawyer Rick had procured. Deanna was a mess and she knew it. Her old friends, Scarlett and Melanie would've never broken down like this at the thought of their children being taken away. They would've fought, and they wouldn't have cared if their men were there fighting with them or not. Her moment of reverie was interrupted when they got to the office. Rick came to her side and opened the door for her. _Look at me, I can't even open the door by myself!_ Why did they come to this era? _Trent_. He had been so sick. She knew her husband could time-travel. She had begged him to take her to the future where he could get proper medical care. Then they had just… stayed for the past two years. Rick had told her that this century had gotten things backwards. She didn't realize how many things it had gotten backwards until he had explained to her what those legal documents meant. _They want to take away my children!_ The news had broken her.

They didn't have to wait long before Cooper came bounding into the lobby. That was the word – bounding. He seemed entirely too cheerful for a lawyer. He asked what was wrong and she said, "Sir, some lying government bureaucrat is trying to take my child—that's all," repeating what her husband had told her. Cooper couldn't seem to contain his smile. There was definitely something wrong with this man.

Her husband explained what had happened. This was fine. She was too angry to contribute much beyond muttering about that woman being a dog. Her husband had put his hand on her knee to control her. Cooper made a few calls. Apparently there was another family somewhere who was going through the same thing they were going through, but who they were was confidential.

One thing he said stood out to her. "We are dealing with issues that are not only new to me, but I'm pretty sure have never been dealt with by any lawyer in the country. Treaties. Third party plaintiffs in dependency cases. Constitutional rights." That… really didn't sound right. Issues dealing with constitutional rights had been debated since the country's inception. She knew that. They had visited New York for one Summer during the late 18th century when she and Rick had begun courting. And treaties... America dealt more with treaties during her time than she could possibly keep up with. The amount of treaties with just the Indians and their history could fill multiple books! She wasn't entirely sure what 'third party plaintiffs in dependency cases' meant, but if he could be wrong about the other two...

When Cooper said he was willing to do their case for free, Deanna thought, _Well, with how little you seem to know about the law, no wonder you sell your services so cheaply_. She had to bite her tongue to keep from saying it out loud. Right now he was the best she could do. She should have been trying to make friends in this era like her husband had, instead of spending her days with only her children. But that's just what was expected of her, right?


	2. Meet Laura Frasier

Author's Note: I'm just going to say, if the dialogue feels really awkward, it's probably the dialogue taken directly from the original book. Just so you know.

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Laura pulled up behind someone's old Suburban. It looked like a good, reliable form of transportation. She wasn't one to judge someone based on their car, but her first thought was that whoever owned it must be a practical, down-to-earth person who didn't care about flashy first impressions. Maybe they'd be a Christian she'd be able to tolerate. There was a reason she kept her work centered around children; they never judged her for her nose ring or tattoos, and they thought the blue tips at the end of her raven hair was cool! A man in his early 30s jumped out of the Suburban. "Hi," she greeted with a friendly smile.

"Good evening. You must be Laura," he replied.

"Right. And you are Rick's friend, the lawyer?"

"Yeah, I'm the lawyer. Cooper Stone is my name."

"Oh, Deanna told me your name, but I thought Cooper Stone was the name of the whole law firm, not just the name of one guy."

"Yeah, well, it's just me!" He laughed nervously. He was actually kind of cute, in a bland, literally like every other 30-something white guy kind of way. She hoped he'd be able to use that charisma to help keep these families together. The children were so scared… She knew she shouldn't care, but she hated seeing them scared.

They walked inside. Mr. Garvis was tightly clutching a manila envelope and Mrs. Garvis was tightly clutching Emily, which was an impressive feat considering Emily was made of fire. _How does she do that? Is she one of us?_ She noted that Emily was sitting on top of a fireproof box. Laura could hear Mrs. Thomas moving about in the kitchen. She glanced inside and saw the older woman churning butter. _There's something strange about her. Something… nostalgic. I should learn her story…_

Laura was wondering if she should ask Mrs. Thomas if she could help when Cooper Stone said loudly, "Rick and Deanna are being cited for violating the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child by engaging in homeschooling, which the Convention claims is contrary to the child's best interest. Doug and Jeanne are being cited for removing Emily from the family life education program in her public school classroom—your classroom, Laura,"

She didn't have much insight on that. The others discussed the papers. They were baffled by the religious indoctrination charges and why it would be the same charge for both families until Cooper Stone said, "It's you. Your Sunday school class. That's the instruction the two kids have in common."

Cooper asked Laura what she taught that day. "It was about missions, but I can't remember any specifics." She basically taught the same lesson every time, just changing up which missionary to discuss at the end. People who didn't believe in Jesus were going to hell. It's what she was taught to teach. It really was ingenious, her Father Below's plan. Let the kids think that The Enemy plays favorites, make their hearts small enough to only fit their tribe. Turn decent people away from wanting to know their all-loving creator. Make them miserable. Spread evil. That… Was the plan. And as much as it pained to her to see the sparkle in the eyes of such loving and trusting children be snuffed out and replaced with the fear of a cruel god who would send their friends to one day be tormented forever, she was sticking to the plan.

Cooper asked her if she still has her lesson notes.

"Yeah, I have a file at my house. I'd be happy to give them to you."

"Where do you live?" he asked.

"In the townhomes just off Sycolin Road near Route 7 bypass in Leesburg." Yeah… She just gave some random stranger her house address. She wouldn't have done it if she were a helpless human female. But she figured that if he tried anything she'd be able to stop him. Just one swipe with the talons she usually kept hidden would be enough to end his life. She hoped it wouldn't come to that, though. For the children's sake.

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Cooper had come by to pick up her notes. He kept stammering over his words, and then he asked her if she would want to get together with him some evening. He had even looked at his feet after asking her, like an embarrassed schoolboy. Naturally he would be infatuated with her. No straight human male could resist the allure of a demoness – no matter how much said demoness may wish she could turn off her charm.

She stopped smiling and said, "I was afraid you were going to ask that," He looked hurt. He looked adorable when he looked hurt - like one of the children in her Sunday school class. _…Why did I have to have THAT thought! I hate it when my children look hurt!_ "Not that I don't think you seem like a really great guy. It's just that I am in a serious relationship and have been for several years. In fact, he's our pastor's son—Terry Pipkin. I thought Rick might have told you about him." She amended, talking so quickly that she'd be surprised if Cooper understood everything.

He looked slightly less hurt. He apologized for being presumptuous. She said that she was flattered by his attention. Then he left. She breathed a sigh of relief. The last thing she needed was for Cooper to be around Terry. Terry was very possessive of her and usually… hurt… any men who seemed too into Laura. She usually was perfectly fine with this, and it was one of the main reasons she started dating him, but she needed Cooper alive – for the children's sake. She walked back to the kitchen to continue fixing dinner. Terry was reading one of the human's newspapers while leaning back on her kitchen chair. "Who was that?" He asked. She answered him. He made some non-committal grunt then went back to reading. Then he looked up again and said, "It just hit me. Why would a lawyer come here to get your notes?"

"It was probably just convenient for him." Laura gave an uncaring shrug.

"Right… So, Laura, who is he? How old is he? Is he single?" He walked up behind Laura and laid his hands on her shoulder. Then he used that teasing voice she had at first loved because it usually meant someone was going to get hurt. "So what's going on? Are you embarrassed?" Laura didn't answer. "You're still my girlfriend, right?" He whispered in her ear. It tickled.

Laura didn't like it. She moved her head away from him and answered, "Yes, I'm your girlfriend… Still."


	3. Questions, Answers, and Questions

Author's Note: Unlike last chapter, all the dialogue in this chapter is my own.

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She had been subpoena'd. So, Laura came to Cooper's office because he had promised to help her work through what she ought to do. She had brought dinner for the both of them to eat at the office. It was important for Cooper to have enough energy as he prepared his case. Her father would have done the same. It was just common sense to make sure the people who were on your team were at their best. That's all it was. Cooper led the prayer over the food. Laura felt a spiritual depth to Cooper's prayer that she hadn't yet seen in him. _He,_ at least, seemed to see what was happening as a spiritual battle along with being a physical, human battle. That had made her wonder, did Her Father Below have anything to do with trying to separate these children from their parents? It had a been a few decades since she last checked in on him, so it was entirely possible that his plans had changed in the interim. If that were true though, shouldn't he have at least sent her a message?

After dinner Laura tried to be as helpful to Cooper as she could. She had, at first, thought he was just attracted to her because of her demoness mojo, but now she suspected that Cooper would be this awkward even if she were human. She got the impression that Cooper hadn't much been around other females. She wanted to know for sure. "When I was younger, I had a huge crush on this guy who lived on top of a mountain. He was so… big. And his muscles! His yellow eyes would glow in the dark, and they were always filled with mischief." Laura said with longing, "Um, but, he was always too busy at night to spend any time with me, and he was always asleep when the sun was up. Anyway, who was your first crush?"

"Oh! Um, I don't- Um. I mean, I _had_ crushes, because that's a normal thing for a human male to have… as a child. Which, I definitely was a child! Once." Cooper stammered. "Um, your first crush sounds just like my first crush! Only mine was female, obviously."

"...You are a terrible liar." Laura stated.

"I'm not lying!"

"Oh? Your crush was just like mine? Did your crush have claws that you imagined would feel divine running gently down your skin? Could your crush awaken kings out of their centuries-long slumber just to make them dance for him?" Her voice had turned husky. It was enough to cloud Cooper's mind with feelings he could not control.

"W-what? No… That's not, human." Cooper was woozy.

"Why do you care if it's human?" She asked playfully.

"Because I want to be human!" The confession made both of them gasp. The shock made Cooper snap out of her spell.

"Cooper? Are you… An angel?" Laura asked, her voice back to normal-human.

"What? No. I, I'm human. I have blood and bones like other humans. I- It's human! Completely genetically human!" He shouted. Cooper took a calming breath, then looked at the clock. "It's getting late. You should leave."

"Sure. See you soon, Cooper." She knew she wouldn't get anything else out of him today.

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It was past midnight when Laura got home – the perfect time to pay a visit to Her Father Below. Her portal to the world below was a floor-length mirror with demonic screaming faces along the border. Her face was the eighth one down on the left side. She remembered the day they had posed for this image – the human who carved it was terrified that they would attack him at any moment. It was so much fun watching him squirm! She gazed longingly at the other faces around the mirror. It had been so long since she had seen any of them. Who would she see on her trip to the other side? There was only one face she hoped she wouldn't run into – Possidebit. He was two above her on the mirror. She'd say that he could go rot in hell, but he was already there. She wondered if she could convince someone to make an even worse hell just for him. With a sigh, Laura stepped through the portal.

The portal deposited Laura on a cliff not far from her intended destination. She breathed in deeply the putrid air surrounding her. She had missed the smell of iron and sulfur. The screams of the damned were music to her ears. Sometimes, on earth, she'd try to imagine that the cacophony of birds chirping early in the morning was actually the screams she heard now. But it was never the same. The desperation she heard in their mating calls couldn't compare to the hopelessness that laced every wail from the poor wretches below her. Speaking of birds, she hadn't been able to use her wings in since her last visit here. She unfurled them now. Laura had forgotten how beautiful her wings were! They were so soft, and the curves were so graceful. She thought they were the most beautiful part about her. She spent a few minutes stretching them before she dove off of the cliff. There were a few demons in the distance, but Laura didn't see anyone she recognized as she flew.

The throne room of her father's, she thought, could rival even The Enemy's in its majesty. It wasn't hard to compare the two. Much as her father hated to hear it said, many of the architectural decisions had been copied from the Great White Throne room above. He had fiddled with other designs, but none could evoke majesty in the same way that the room that defined majesty could. That didn't mean, every other century or so, he didn't try to improve upon it. That's where Laura found him, poring over blueprints for new buildings the humans had designed, seeking inspiration. Laura landed and bowed low. "Father, I have come to report on my progress." She said.

"Ah! Laura Frasier! The daughter who had been given the task of increasing the virtues of tribalism among the youth of America! You have been doing an excellent job, daughter."

"Thank you, my father." Laura replied. "But I have come to ask: What do you know of this plot to separate homeschooled children from their parents? It is evil, but these children still have much to learn under my tutelage, and them staying my students seems unlikely if they are taken away."

"I am aware of that, my daughter. This plan was not concocted by me, and as of yet I have been unable to ascertain whether the humans came up with this treaty themselves, or if it is part of a much larger plan of The Enemy's to bring to light how damaging what you are teaching is to the well-being of the human race. But whatever the case, we mustn't forget our mission: To steal, to kill, and to destroy. So for now, continue with your mission, fight to keep your children in your classes using whatever means necessary. One day, it will all be worth it! One day, _I will rule!_ " He laughed. It boomed and echoed around the room. Laura stayed where she was with her head bowed. It seemed, for now, that her strange desire to keep her children with their parents coincided with her father's desire. But what would she do if he changed his mind?


	4. What to do with Rick?

Author's Note: Because at this point it feels weird to not have an author's note. That's literally the only reason this is here.

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Her husband, Rick, had been so emotionally unavailable lately. She had tried talking to him about her worries over the children, and to get him to open up about his own worries _(Surely, he does HAVE worries, right?)_ , but every time he just seemed to withdraw more into himself. And still, Deanna had no one close that she could talk to. She could try to talk to Jeanne Garvis, but she didn't really trust Jeanne – something about her Emily being a literal ball of sentient fire never sit quite right with her. Her parents cared, but she never felt free to talk through her feelings with them. She still remembered as a child crying to her mother about how Scarlett had broken her favorite doll, and her mother telling her to just grow up – that it was high time she stopped playing with dolls anyway. _It wasn't even about the doll! It was about how Scarlett disrespected my property and betrayed the trust I had bestowed upon her as a friend!_ She was still upset that her mother had been so uncaring! But there had been one person who would listen to her talk about her woes – her old schoolteacher, Laura Frasier. During lunchbreaks, Deanna used to sit in the classroom with Laura and tell Laura all of her childhood woes. Laura had been the only one who had shown her any sympathy – although, in hindsight, her advice wasn't always the best. When she had told Laura about the doll incident, Laura had told her she ought to just cut out of her life everyone who had wronged her. Deanna had taken that advice to heart, and by the time she had met Rick, she had had very few friends left. Melanie was still her friend, and Ashley, she supposed. But… She had been very lonely when she met Rick. That was probably one of the things that had led to their romance being much too quick. Not that she regretted marrying him, mind! Never that! If she had married a man from her time period, what else would they have been able to do when their youngest had gotten sick besides pray? But Rick, when Trent got sick as a newborn, packed up the whole family, and Deanna's parents (at her request), and brought them here, where they had hospitals good enough to deal with whatever illness Trent had had. No, she would be forever grateful to Rick for saving the life of their child. How could she ever regret marrying him?

Although there was no way the Laura she knew in this time could be the same as her old schoolteacher, Laura Frasier still felt familiar. And Deanna was drawn to her like she was a child again seeking comfort from the bullies of the world. So, Deanna knocked on the door of Laura's fort. Before long, the door opened. "Mrs. Thomas! So good to see you! Is anything the matter? Is Layton doing all right?" Laura asked.

 _She's just Layton's schoolteacher. She's younger than I am! Why am I seeking comfort from someone like her? This was a bad idea._ "Oh, yes, he's fine. He likes that he lives so close to Emily now. I just wish they'd be more careful when they play. She's already burned him before. Not bad, thankfully, and I know she can't help it, but a mother worries, you know?"

Something in Deanna's voice gave Laura pause, "Ah, you're worried about the case, and you want to talk to someone who's as worried as you are about it. Well, good luck there. _no one_ is as worried as you about the case – well, except maybe your husband." She said the last bit suggestively, like she wished that Deanna would go talk to her husband about stuff instead of bothering her.

Deanna wasn't having none of that. She grabbed the door to keep it open and asked Laura, "What do you mean?"

"Cooper told me how worried your husband is. How afraid he is of losing the children-"

"Why won't he tell me then!" Deanna yelled, "That good-for-nothing has barely been saying anything to me! He avoids me whenever he feels like I'm being too emotional – which lately, is always. I've been feeling like I'm going crazy lately, being the only one who's worried! And now you tell me that he can tell some lawyer we just met his deepest, darkest fears but not me!? Aargh!"

"Just, let it all out." Laura said sarcastically.

"Rick." She spat under her breath. "You're in a relationship, right? With the pastor's son, Terry? You've been with him for about as long as I've been with Rick. Do you ever get really frustrated with him? What do you do when that happens?" Deanna looked at Laura with lost, pleading eyes.

Laura looked at her with pity. "Let's go for a walk." Deanna nodded. As they were walking, Laura spoke, "Terry… Yes, we've been together for a long time, but I don't love him the way you love Rick. He's just convenient to have around. I guess I'll marry him if he asks, but, I really don't care. No, there was only one male I could ever say I loved – and he broke my heart. …Let's just call him Dick."

"Short for Richard?" Deanna asked.

"Um, no. Anyway, Dick was… Nice, at first. He always wanted to be around me; he called me his 'princess.' He said he couldn't bear the thought of ever being away from me. That I was the only one for him. It was nice to be wanted like that, and I did whatever I could to make him feel just as wanted. But… it never seemed to be enough. I'd say I'd be going out with friends and he _needed_ to know exactly who. He was jealous of every other man in my life – even my father, if you can believe it. He'd interrupt me at work. Then it got… weird. We'd argue – it didn't matter if it was about his behavior or something as mundane as who would do the dishes – and he'd get violently upset. He'd hit himself, or throw furniture. He'd yell about how he just couldn't do anything right. I'd try to calm him down, tell him I still loved him. The number of nights I spent rocking him as he cried in my arms… At first it worked. I thought I could make it work. 'He just needed some confidence in himself,' or 'I know he loves me, he just needs to learn to love himself,' I'd think. But then… It was the dishes that started the end. I had gotten into the habit of doing the dishes in the morning before work. Each morning I'd think, 'We'll trade off. He'll do the dishes tonight.' But he never did. The night we broke up I asked him and he said he could never do them right. He brought up some incident that happened years before where I had told him of a better way to do the dishes. He hated how I nitpicked. I told him I wouldn't do that this time, that I would just like his help for one night. He started going on about how nothing he ever did for me was good enough. That no matter what I just kept asking more and more from him. 'Why don't we just not have dishes!?' he yelled. He broke all of the dishes in the sink by hurling them onto the floor. He went through the cabinets and flung everything he could reach as hard as he could. I grabbed his arm, begging for him to stop. I told him I'd stop asking him to do the dishes forever – just stop breaking things! But I had underestimated how great his rage was at that moment. He seized my hands on his arm and flung me against the wall. My wi- my back had broken. Father was furious. He demanded Dick to never come near me again. Dick argued right back. 'Lecy is mine! You can't tell me to stay away from her!' he had cried. …My father hates being told he can't do something. I guess he and Dick have that in common. My father punished Dick. I don't ever want to find out what he did, but whatever he did terrified Dick. Again, my father told Dick to never come near me. This time, he obeyed. I haven't seen Dick since."

"Wow… That's terrible. …Wait, you had a boyfriend before Terry? Weren't you like, 15 when you started dating Terry?"

"I just _look_ 25\. Anyway, at first I was really upset at my father for banishing Dick from me. Even after he hurt me, I still loved him. He had become my whole world. My life felt pointless without him. I know I would have gone looking for him if my father hadn't confined me. I had a lot of time to think about my life up until that moment in confinement. Before Rick, I had been someone free and happy. All I had wanted was freedom to do whatever I wanted – and that had been enough. Why couldn't I be that person again? I realized that there were a lot of little ways Dick had damaged me. He had chipped away at my sense of self-worth. He had isolated me from my friends. My identity had been his. I knew it would take a long time to heal, but I promised myself that one day I would be rid of his influence. I rebranded myself as 'Laura,' which means 'victor.' So, one day I hope to live up to that name. One day, _I will be victorious!_ "

"Wow, you're so strong, Laura! I wish I could have your freedom. But… I could never leave Rick. We have the kids to think about. And it'd be so lonely…"

"Aren't you lonely now? You were lonely enough to seek me out, and I'm just your son's Sunday School teacher."

"Yes… But, no. I'm going to try again to talk to Rick. We'll make things work out. We love each other."

"Darling, I said the same thing once about Dick. But…" Laura sighed, "For the children's sake, I hope he listens."

"Thank you, Laura."

"Anytime."

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Deanna loved smelling the oranges in the morning. She stood over them now while she waited for her husband to get dressed in the tent her family lived out of in the produce section of an unpopular grocery store. It's possible it was unpopular because of all of the people living among the aisles. The Garvises were here too. They lived over in the frozen food aisle because Emily's fire was very popular among the other people there who hadn't been able to procure a spot anywhere warmer. Laura had taken a coveted spot in the deli and had constructed a fort made out of cardboard boxes insulated with paper towels. The outside had been decorated with pictures her students had drawn in crayons on the walls. No one was allowed inside. _Well, a girl's gotta have her privacy._ Deanna mused. _This incredibly localized recession really hit all of us hard._

"Deanna, darling, you said we needed to talk. Well, here I am! What do you want?" Rick said, breaking her out of her reverie.

"Yes. Rick, all I want is for you to tell me what's on your mind! I am your wife! Don't you trust me? Must I stab myself as Portia did before you can believe I am able to share your burdens?"

"What makes you think I have any worries?" He asked guardedly.

"Laura told me that Cooper told her that you've been very worried about losing our children. And apparently you don't think you can trust me because I've barely been holding it together! Rick, you… you just don't understand!" She cried. She had not meant to cry. Why was she so easily emotional? "Don't you understand that you not being worried made me even more worried because I thought I had married someone heartless! And how could you trust COOPER – who you've just met – over your wife! I just don't understand Rick!" They were getting stares from the other tent-dwellers in the produce section. Deanna didn't care.

Rick, however, did. "Stop your crying! Look, I didn't want to add to your worries with my own. I don't think I was wrong to do what I did. I mean just look at you! You're going to have to redo your makeup before the deposition today, by the way." Deanna glared at Rick, "Hey, I'm just trying to be helpful! …Come here." Rick held out his arms for Deanna. She stepped into them and wrapped hers around his chest. "There now. Just cry into my shoulder. I'll take care of you. I promise."

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Deanna reflected afterward on the deposition. She cringed when she remembered herself saying she wouldn't stop spanking her children even if a U.S. court ordered her to stop, and that she would not even stop if she was threatened with having Layton removed from her custody. "I will not stop because God directs me to discipline my children in this manner," she had said adamantly. It had to be done. After the conversation with Rick that morning, she wanted more than anything to just go home – to Georgia, to the 1860s. She knew Rick would do anything to keep their children. And if became impossible to keep them in this time period, then maybe Rick would be willing to go home. Trent was healthy now. It would be fine, right? She had asked if there was a country (in this time period) where spanking was legal.

"You mean you can't spank your own child anywhere in the world?" She had asked.

"No, Mrs. Thomas, you may not." The man with the hair like her mother's fancy silverware had said. She knew Rick had heard them. Would it be enough to make him consider taking her home?


	5. The Unnaturally Perfect Jody Easler

Author's Note: I realized them living in grocery store all of the sudden last chapter is kind of weird. But this fanfic is closely tied Libby Anne's critique of this book. There was a typo in her blog that led to, "Hey, wouldn't it be funny if all the characters lived in a grocery store?" So, that's fanfic canon now. That's what happened.

P.S. Farris seems to be allergic to contractions. So if you feel like there's too many "it is" over "it's," that is dialogue taken straight from the book. Yes, it is awkward.

P.P.S. Farris does this throughout the book, and I hate it, but he tells you everyone's motivations. As much as I would have liked to avoid doing the same thing with Jody, in this chapter I both set up Jody not having a soul as a mystery, then tell you, the reader, why in literally the next paragraph when I switch to her POV. Sorry.

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Laura arrived for her deposition. The others had gotten here before her and been at it for a while. She watched as everyone exited the room. Behind Cooper was a woman with long, brown tresses and flawless skin. She wore a form-fitting suit that perfectly showed off her curves. Laura heard the woman laugh melodiously. Her teeth were so white they were almost blue. Laura asked about her on the way to lunch. "Who is that woman?"

"Her name is Jody Easler. She is one of the U.S. ambassadors to the United Nations. She is in charge of our delegation in Geneva and is an expert on children's rights." Cooper said.

"So she's on the other side?" Laura asked incredulously.

"Yeah, sure," Cooper said. "Why not?"

"Well, she just seemed so buddy-buddy with you that I thought that she must be on our side of the cases somehow."

Cooper blinked nervously, "Well, she is definitely more friendly than anyone else on that side of the case, and I am at a loss to explain it."

Deanna paused at the top of the long staircase leading down to the hotel's two restaurants. "I think she thinks Cooper is cute," she drawled. Laura let the subject drop.

;;;;;;;

Facing her during the deposition was a man whose hair was a luminescent ethereal silver. His name was Randolph Suskins, a respected lawyer in his 60s with a fondness for mahogany. He exuded class, intelligence, and power. All of this was blighted, however, by the insufferable pride that oozed out of his every pore. Laura recognized that he was not a person to underestimate - especially not with her children on the line. He spoke, "So you place this extraordinary burden on children. In fact, a double burden. First they must rescue their own souls from hell by believing what you tell them. Then you tell them that they must change the religious beliefs of every other person on earth, lest they end up in hell also. Do you think that carrying the burden for the eternal destiny of every person in the world is fair to a child and doesn't it teach them religious intolerance? Do you really believe that such a view is in the best interest of the child?" He pushed back the hair that surrounded his head like the silver lining of a cloud, brilliant in its hope and glory.

"Yes, Mr. Suskins, I believe, in fact, that it is in the best interest of the child. It is best for the child because it reflects the truth. The truth is that some people die young. It is sad, but it is true. And if a person dies without Christ that person is going to hell. So as to the first half of the so-called double burden you say we are placing on the child, it is not a burden but a lifeline. And as far as the second half, telling others about Jesus, it is a simple act of love. I think that it is always right to teach children to do things that show genuine love toward others. If we know something that will save another from hell, it is the most loving thing in the world to tell people. You may call it intolerance if you will, Mr. Suskins, but I call it love." Laura said. She had been trained by the greatest teachers of lies to turn anyone's argument against them, but it had been a while since she had had to use those skills. Still, a skill once learned is not easily lost.

"But you can't _know_ that hell exists. So how can you teach that it does to impressionable children? And if teaching what has to be called nothing more than your _theory_ shows demonstrable harm to the children you claim to love, then I ask you to seriously reflect on the manner of your teaching." A strand of hair fell on top of his forehead, and it hearkened to Laura the memory of magnificent waterfalls surrounded by morning mists. Mysterious, yet peaceful.

He was wrong, of course. Hell _did_ exist. She had visited it just the other day. But she also knew that what she was teaching her children was causing them harm. She knew that the burden she placed on them for the eternal salvation of every human soul was too much for anyone save The Enemy to bear. It was easier for humans to just _not care_ about the people they believed they wouldn't have to spend an eternity with. What did more to keep "Christians" from visiting the prisoner or feeding the hungry than to have them believe that _those people_ didn't matter? That was her mission, ultimately - to devalue the belief among humans of the intrinsic worth of other human beings made in the image of The Enemy – who was love, and wanted others to love, first. What greater insult to a being of love than to twist that word to mean whatever she wanted it to?

Right, time to get back to answering the man with the brilliant silver hair. "What else would you have me do? I teach them to love. I teach them that The Father Above wants everyone to have salvation from hell, and that he wants to use my children for that purpose. How can you say that's harmful?"

"I just told you how it's harmful!" Suskins slammed his hand on the table. His hair glittered like a furious snowstorm at dusk in his rage. Laura quivered her lip like she was about to cry. "Look, I'm sorry. It's clear we'll have to agree to disagree. But I will do my best to do what I think is best for these children. We'll see who wins in the end."

"Yes sir." Laura said demurely.

The meeting was over. She felt it went well, ultimately. She wasn't going to worry about Suskins. But Jody Easler… there was something incredibly _off_ about Jody. It wasn't how she was flirting with Cooper. No, Laura knew she could keep Cooper if she so chose. And she understood Jody's 'flirting to lower Cooper's defenses' technique. Nothing weird there. No, what was weird was that Laura couldn't sense a _soul_ from Jody. And her body was perfect in a way that was typically reserved for supernatural beings. But supernatural beings had _souls_ that all shone as brilliantly as Suskins' hair. So, what was going on with Jody?

;;;;;;;

ANDROID10_15425S, codename "Jody," had to meet with her superiors. She didn't feel _fear,_ exactly, at the prospect. She couldn't feel anything at all. But being near the people who could order her dismantled if they saw her as defective seemed to counteract ensuring her continued survival. They had ordered her to put the needs of the children first. A noble goal, she had reasoned, so why did the dark color scheme of charcoal and dark purple favored by her superiors seem so sinister? It didn't add to her fear, of course. Adding to zero after all still made – wait, that was for multiplying. Multiplying by zero still made zero. She was… no, not glad, but such an emotion would be logical faced with the knowledge that such a blunder as confusing addition and multiplication wasn't known to the austere lady facing her.

The lady, Erzabet Kadar, spoke, "We are to hear this morning from Dr. Easler, who has just returned from the United States to report on the progressives of our case against the two fundamentalist families." She paused and surveyed each face around the table to ensure that every eye had been focused where she intended it. "Fine," she concluded. "Dr. Easler, please begin."

"Good morning, Dr. Kadar and members of the committee." She paused, expecting a return of greeting. Only the gentleman from Great Britain raised his eyebrows slightly and moved his lips in a nearly imperceptible move in the general direction of a smile. If Jody wasn't an android, she doubt she would have picked up on the nearly imperceptible shift.

Jody listed everything she could think to say regarding the case with impeccable methodology. The British gentleman only harrumphed once. Truly, he was in a good mood. When she was done, she asked, more as a matter of convention, "Anything else I need to add, Dr. Kadar?"

"Will we win?" came the terse question.

"I cannot say what will happen in the trial court, but that is of only momentary consequence. Mr. Suskins, who hunts three members of the Supreme Court as close friends, assures me we have at least a bare majority on the Court. It is the Supreme Court that matters in the final analysis."

Erzabet Kadar and the others seemed please with her analysis. Naturally, her logical faculties had deduced that such would be the outcome of this meeting. Still Jody's perfectly sculpted shoulders relaxed nearly imperceptibly when the meeting was over. But then Kadar asked to see her privately. "What is it?" Jody asked. She felt uncomfortable under Kadar's gaze as she sized up Jody's body. This was something Jody was used to from lecherous men and jealous women, but no one had done so in such a coldly calculating way as Kadar was doing now. "Dr. Kadar?" She prompted.

Kadar's cold eyes locked onto Jody's, "We absolutely _have_ to win this case. In order to ensure we win, you need to use her feminine wiles to ensnare Cooper and thus discredit him."

"Please clarify." Jody asked.

"You do not merely beat your enemy in the courtroom or in the legislative chamber, Dr. Easler. You do everything you can to discredit your enemy outside of these arenas to make it easier to win inside the arena. Mr. Suskins informs us that you seem to have a natural affinity for Mr. Stone, so you are being enlisted for this additional aspect of the endeavor. It will not be distasteful, Dr. Easler. He is a handsome man. I have seen the photographs myself."

Many questions bombarded Jody's brain. In the span of half a second she wondered how she, an android, could possibly mimic female human emotions enough to succeed in this endeavor. She made a list of all the ways this could backfire. But she was unwilling to look incompetent in front of her superior. So she held her head high and merely stated, "As you wish."


	6. The Possessive Proposal

Author's Note: I feel like I need some of the passages from the original book for what happens in my fanfic to make any sense, but it's awful. Seriously, what the heck is a a "complicated lane change!?" Also, in an earlier chapter I definitely said they had been dating for ten years. So, I'm sticking to that here. And Farris kept switching between calling Terry Pipkin either Terry or Pipkin. Here, he's just Terry. But most of the early stuff in this chapter is verbatim from the book.

;;;;;;;

The white Grand Prix moved skillfully through the sluggish traffic. Terry Pipkin hit the accelerator just enough to move to the far left lane without giving the maroon van he pulled in front of an opportunity to pull ahead of him.

The conversation once again lapsed into uncomfortable silence, as it had so often lately. Terry negotiated a complicated lane change to head south on I-95 toward Woodbridge. Eventually he spoke. "So why is it so hard for us to talk lately? I seem to be doing my normal part, but you seem so distant."

Laura turned and looked at the man she had dated for ten years with a big smile, but there was sadness in her eyes. "I … I … just have a lot on my mind."

"Are you thinking about the Thomases and Garvises again? That case seems to have taken over your life. Are you still worrying about that Suskins guy ratting on you to the school authorities?"

"Oh, I don't know," she answered with a sigh. "I guess not. I think Cooper scared them off that idea."

"Cooper. That's it," Terry snorted in disgust. "He did ask you out that one time—I had forgotten about that. So, what's up between you and Cooper?"

"Nothing, Terry. Nothing at all. Cooper did express interest in me. But I told him that I am in love with you."

"What did he say?"

"He asked if we were engaged; and I said no."

"So what would you say if I asked you?"

"I refuse to answer that question," Laura said bitterly.

"What? Why do you say that?"

"Because you are not asking me to marry you. It is simply a hypothetical question that you have asked me a dozen times over the years. And I refuse to answer it again."

"Well, maybe it isn't hypothetical anymore."

"What!?"

"It's just, now with Cooper in the picture, I'm suddenly not sure you'll say, 'yes.' ...Laura," he said, in a soft and kind voice, "I am afraid of what you'll say, and I can't bear the idea of you rejecting me now after all these years. But, well, I guess there's nothing I can do but ask you." He paused and reached down the left outside pocket of his sports coat and pulled out a small jewelry box. He laid the box on the center console and took both of her hands into his, and looked her straight in the eye. "Laura Frasier, I love you. I have always loved you. I want you to be my wife. Will you agree to marry me?"

Laura eyed the naked steering wheel, wondering what it would take for Terry to pay attention to his driving again before they crashed in this heavy traffic. Only one option came to her mind: "Yes, Terry, I will marry you." She said, relieved when he smiled and went back to driving - with one hand, of course. The other had been placed possessively around her shoulders. Laura could feel the warmth of his hand as it clutched her shoulder through her clothes, her mind feeling cloudy. _What have I just agreed to?_

;;;;;;;

Laura slammed shut the door of her fort. She tried making herself a cup of coffee, but as soon as it was done she dropped her cup on the floor. "Damn," she muttered as she took from the paper towels lining the walls to clean up the mess. Her mind was still racing by what had happened. Terry had proposed – and she had said 'yes.' What was wrong with her? And _why_ in all the nine levels of hell did he propose to her while swerving all over the road like a madman? Oh, yeah, he _said_ it was expert driving, how he was constantly switching lanes, but in sluggish traffic like that it really didn't make a difference what lane you were in – everyone was slow. _Why, for the love of all that is base and wicked, am I focusing so much on the traffic!?_ Really though, she should have dumped him right after the first time she drove with him. Keeping Terry around really wasn't worth having to pretend to die if they got into a wreck. She wouldn't have heard the end of it from her demon friends if she had 'died' in something as mundane as a car accident. She remembered when poor Rusty had died in one right after Ford's car became popular. _We all laughed at him for a solid year. Gula had laughed for a solid five years._ She shook her head at the memory. _How long has it been since I've seen them? 10 years? 20?_ She looked at her mirror. _Time for a visit._

Laura and her friends met up at their favorite bar and ordered some drinks. "Thank you for coming out with me, guys. I know, after Possidebit, I said I was going to be better at keeping in touch, but… yeah, I didn't keep that promise very well, did I?"

"Don't mention it! What kind of demons would we be if we kept all of our promises?" Gula asked before greedily eyeing the chips on another table.

"Reliable demons. Like Our Father Below wants us to be." Rusty remarked drily.

Gula gave him a scathing look. "Well, Laura, as long as you're not dating any weirdos like that Possidebit, then we don't mind not hearing from you that often. Father's work always comes first. How are the children, anyway? Anyone particularly nasty?"

"Not this year, I'm afraid. I had some hopes for Emily, a fireball who's in both my Sunday school class and my elementary school class. but she insists on being the sweetest little thing. She never tries to burn anyone but uses her fire to warm those who are cold. The others are all equally as… nice." Laura related, remembering how she used to talk about her kids. But now the words felt foreign even as they left her lips. Why was that? There's no way she actually felt proud of Emily for being so thoughtful of others, was there? "Anyway, How are things down here? Did your sister ever get together with that guy she was dating?"

"Who?" Gula asked before ordering a loaded plate of nachos.

"Paupertas? I believe?" Laura said uncertainly.

"Oh! No they broke up a while ago. Oh but did you not hear that story?" Gula asked eagerly.

"How could she not? It was all anyone ever talked about." Rusty said.

"All anyone ever talked about was your sister breaking up?" Laura stirred her drink.

"No. What they talked about was what happened to Paupertas after they broke up. He was summoned by a couple of human scientists."

"What? Scientists verified the existence of demons? How was that not all over earth news?"

"They didn't know they had a demon. They thought he was just soul energy – or, something. They were trying to create life."

"But humans already have a way of creating life-"

"Yes, but, you know humans. They always have to try something just because they _can_." Rusty interjected.

"Anyway, the scientists had a perfectly workable body, but no matter what they tried they couldn't animate it. So, they summoned a soul from the underworld to inhabit the body they created. The soul they got was Paupertas. It was terrible! Whatever they did to splice Paupertas into the body they created was so horrific that he forgot everything – who he was, where he came from, everything. All he knew was what his captors told him. He roams the earth in his human body thinking he's just the clone of some human named Peter Barron, who they used as a template for their body." Gula said, shivering.

"How terrifying! Humans can really be horrible, can't they? …Speaking of horrible, how is Possidebit?"

"Fine." Gula answered, looking away.

"Gula? What aren't you telling me? Please, please don't keep anything from me!" Laura could feel her panic rising. He claws started shaking.

Rusty grabbed them. "Laura, …We don't know. He's been missing for a few years." Rusty said uneasily.

Laura felt her blood run cold. The story of Paupertas was terrifying, but it was nothing compared to hearing Possidebit was missing. "So you're saying he could be anywhere!?"

"I don't know! We've looked everywhere for him! Obviously sometimes people go missing in our files. You remember the Thomas family that went missing back during the Civil War, right? But demons shouldn't be nearly as hard to keep track of as humans. There's so few of us. Father was furious when he found out! But he didn't want to distract you from your job by telling you. He knows you worry a lot about Possidebit finding you. Please don't tell him I told you." Rusty begged.

Laura just glared at her friends. Why couldn't they trust her to help them find Possidebit? Who would know him better than his ex-girlfriend? Without another word, she paid for her drink and left. She hated walking out on them after not seeing them for so long, but the night was ruined anyway. I _didn't even tell them about Terry!_ She realized. But, she really couldn't bring herself to care. She'd probably break up with him right before the wedding anyway. It would feel good to break someone's else's heart, for a change.


	7. What Could Scare The Devil?

Author's Note: This, obviously, gets pretty far from the source material. But it's honestly one of my favorite sections so far. So, take that for what it's worth.

;;;;;;;

Beth McGranahan, Deanna's mother, watched the court hearing with interest. Not because anything that was being said by either party made any sense _(they couldn't even get a direct quote from Article 19 of the U.N. Convention on the Rights of the Child right!),_ but because of a certain blue-tipped hair young woman with a diamond on her finger. She turned to her husband and asked, "Don't you think Layton's Sunday School teacher looks familiar?"

"Who're you thinking of?" Her husband asked.

"Deanna's old school teacher at Briarcrest, Laura Frasier."

"Laura Frasier? Ain't that the name of Layton's Sunday School teacher?"

"It is!?" Beth ruminated on this throughout the rest of the hearing. When it was all over, she called her daughter Deanna on the phone. On the fourth ring, Deanna answered. "Deanna! Darling! It's so good to hear from you! Question: Do you remember Laura Frasier? …No, not Layton's teacher. Laura Frasier from your days at Briarcrest? …You do? Don't think she's the spitting image of Layton's teacher? Well, yes, I guess it could be a coincidence. …What else could it be? Darling, _we_ time travelled didn't we? Who's to say Miss Laura couldn't have too? …Yes I understand you can't just ask her, but- …Fine. I understand, dear." She hung up the phone. Beth had told Deanna she wouldn't try asking Laura anything, but… If Laura recognized Beth, maybe she'd let something slip…

;;;;;;;

The next Sunday after the church service Beth sized up the young woman across the room. The blue tips at the end of her raven locks and her nose ring gave Laura an unconventional look for a school teacher, but despite them Beth could still see the striking lady she had first met almost 30 years ago. Laura had been her least favorite of Deanna's teachers. Not because of anything she _did_ , no. She had always been the perfect picture of politeness and competence. It was more… Her walk? It's true she had hated the way her husband and every other male in the vicinity would drool over her even while she did the most mundane of actions. Was it her naturally slender waist, or how lovely her face looked regardless of makeup or expression? Did she hate Laura because her skin looked to be as soft as a new baby's? How she had longed to feel it – just to see if it really was that soft! Of course nothing more than that! Besides, what would Laura say? Could Beth remember Laura's voice if she heard it? It had been… Like honey. Sweet, with just the right amount of thickness in her accent. She used to have dreams of eating Laura's mouth to see if it tasted like honey. At least, that's how she told herself she remembered those dreams. …She had been _eating_ Laura's mouth, right? Beth shook her head in the hopes that all such thoughts would leave her be. Now was the time to see if Laura would recognize her. She approached the woman. "Hello! I am Layton's grandmother. You may call me Miss Beth." Beth held out her hand for Laura to shake. Laura took it. Beth felt something like a jolt run through her. _It really is as soft as a baby's._ She thought.

Laura looked Beth in the eye. "Laura Frasier."

"Layton just absolutely adores you, you know. He thinks you're really pretty." Beth blushed. She didn't _mean_ to say that. God, she was so embarrassing. She had meant to be cunning and slip Laura up. But with _two simple words_ from Laura she just _had_ to- God! Where did those words come from!? Layton never said that! It was just like last time! And, why was she still holding Laura's hand? Laura had let go a long time ago. Ugh, she was so awkward!

"Oh! Umm, thank you? He's a bit young for me, though." Laura looked to the side, obviously hoping to find a way to escape.

"At least 170 years too young, yes?" Beth asked. _This is NOT cunning! It isn't even subtle!_

"What? Why would you say that?" Beth thought she saw Laura's eyes flash red. …Why was she so close to Laura's eyes? Beth took a step back.

"I, what did I just say? I'm an old lady, you know. With a husband and daughter. -And grandchildren, now, too. Why don't you age? I thought you were the same age as me! Why are you still so young!" Beth yelled. A group of octogenarians glared at her.

"Sssh…" Laura laid a calming hand on Beth's arm and led her to an empty Sunday school classroom. Beth's stomach did a flip. Was it worry or… She was going to be alone with Laura. Surely, she wasn't feeling anticipation? Laura looked deeply into Beth's eyes. She asked in a low and guttural voice, "Tell me everything about who you are."

"My name is Elizabeth McGranahan. I was born in the year 1814 in Georgia. My family worked the land, hoping the red soil would produce enough food to keep us solvent. Anyway, I met my husband when I was very young. He was handsome, but commanding. How an Irishman convinced my father to have us married I still don't understand. I always felt like I had had little say in the matter, but my father assured me that I would be well-provided for through my husband. We had our daughter, Deanna, not long after. She was never a bright child. Oh, she did alright in school, and she's competent enough to teach her children, but-"

"Stop!" Laura commanded. It was a relief to stop. She had been confessing things to Laura she had never even confessed to herself. "Bethie dear, close your eyes." Beth complied. "You will not ever even _think_ of this conversation again. Understand? And if anyone asks, you will say our conversation was unimportant. Now you will leave this room and enjoy the day with your family." Beth waited for more instruction, but when none was forthcoming, she opened her eyes. Laura was gone. What were they even talking about? It had been so _unimportant._ Ah well, she was going to go enjoy the day with her family. With a smile on her lips she left the room.

;;;;;;;

Even though she was still mad at him for not telling her about Possidebit going missing, Laura needed her father. She needed intel on the McGranahans and the Thomases, and she needed it _now_. The moment she passed through her mirror her wings unfurled and she flew. "Father!" She called out.

Lightning flashed and thunder rumbled. The sky darkened as angry clouds rolled in. Laura was battered about by the wind. She was about to hit the ground hard when someone caught her. She recognized her father's clawed hand. "It's too much." He muttered. He snapped his fingers and the clouds disappeared. Where the clouds had been the thickest stood a replica of her father's throne. "What's the point if no one can _see_ the throne?"

"Moving away from evoking majesty through architecture? Creative." Laura remarked drolly. Her father dropped her.

"Humph! I got the idea from… But of course that would be the reason He uses calm clouds. …If I could bottle the ferocity of storm clouds and use them selectively in my design… Wait, why are you here? To see you twice in one year is unheard of. Laura, what happened?" He crossed his arms and looked down at her.

"What can you tell me about the McGranahans and the Thomases? No, wait, I'll back up. Beth McGranahan recognized me from when I taught her daughter Deanna… over 170 years ago."

Her father paled in shock. It was the most disconcerting sight Laura had ever seen in all of hell. "What? How is that possible?" He pulled Laura to her feet and brought her to hell's investigations bureau.

;;;;;;;

"With this new information coming to light, what we believed was just a misplacement of files… well…" Rusty faltered. Her father steepled his fingers and leaned on the desk that was in front of him.

"So, to summarize, there was a family of the McGranahans and the Thomases that lived in Georgia during the time of The Civil War, but one day they all vanished. Then, two years ago they just _appeared_ in Loudon County at the exact same age they were when they disappeared. One of the first things they did is admit their youngest, Trent, into the general hospital to be treated for an illness that is easily treatable today, but wouldn't have been easily treatable in the 1860s. Then they just, stayed. _WHY WAS I NOT NOTIFIED THAT SEVEN PEOPLE JUST APPEARED TWO YEARS AGO!?_ " He bellowed. All of hell shook with the sound. Laura wondered if her ears were bleeding.

"We did tell you father! We decided that we must have lost their files somehow! What other explanation could there have been?" Rusty responded hastily. His eyes were watering and he shook with fear.

"Oh. Oh you're right I do remember that." The devil said calmly. He leaned back in his chair and swiveled left and right, clearly lost in thought. The other demons in the room waited for him to speak. "Judging by their actions they must be human. There's been no indication in either their old or new files that they're anything else, right? …That was rhetorical; I'm still speaking. Oh, and I want a team of investigators to scour the archives to see if there's any more of these anomalies in human history. That is all for now." He swept out of the room. Laura followed him. He looked over his shoulder and glared at her. "Laura, stop following me. …Don't give me that look! Okay, for now, …I want you to try to befriend them. See if you can get them to give you their secrets voluntarily. But even then… If this is what I think it is, then this family is messing with the laws of nature in a way that scares even me. No _human_ should have that kind of power…"

"What do you think they're messing with?" Laura asked.

"Time-travel."


	8. ERROR: LOGIC-NOT-FOUND

Author's Note: Hey! It's been a bit. The book this is based off of is going through a weird middle section that feels mostly pointless, but I'm also not sure where everything is going, exactly. So, trying to play it safe and not get too far from the source material. But also, the source material is REALLY illogical. Like, I'm just here, seeing where this train of pure chaos is taking me... Choo-choo!

P.S. Send help. My brain can't take much more of this.

;;;;;;;

ANDROID10_15425S, also known as Jody, had opted to go for a software upgrade before implementing /SEDUCE_COOPER. There was no way she would confuse addition and multiplication during the mission now! Jody was wearing a short, glittering evening dress for the evening. It had been Kadar's suggestion. If it had been up to Jody, she would have taken what she knew about conservative Christian fashion and dressed in a jean skirt and a baggy t-shirt with the name of a summer camp she had presumably volunteered at, or something. From her research, that was the sort of fashion men in Cooper's sect praised. But, she dare not go against the whims of her superior, no matter how little any of what she was doing made sense. So, late one evening there she was pretending like she couldn't get into her hotel room that she had made sure was right next to Cooper's, waiting for him to show up so he could 'help' her. She had stood there, pretending to get in, for the better part of two hours before he had arrived. During that interim she had had to rebuff the help of twelve other men, four women, a family of six, two maids, and one surprisingly intelligent raccoon who turned out to be an alien.

Finally, Cooper arrived. Judging by the increased blood flow to his face, the short dress had been a good choice. There was much she still had to learn about human males. Cooper spoke, "H-hey Ambassador Easler! Come to this hotel often?"

"Oh! Yes. I come here often." Jody answered in a honeyed voice. "And there's no need to be so formal! Whenever we are alone, please just call me Jody."

She barely needed to have the enhanced diagnostic capabilities of an android to see that she was having the desired effect on him. If only Kadar could be so easily manipulated. Maybe then, she'd be free to properly explore humanity without the constant threat of being disassembled hanging over her – and be free of partaking in ridiculously illogical schemes.

He got to work on her door. The door clicked open on his fifth try. It was surprising it took so long, considering there was nothing actually wrong with it. But Cooper seemed to be profoundly ignorant on how locks work. Still, Jody's mission currently overrode her basic functions to be generally helpful to humans, and she bit her tongue before she was tempted to offer him any.

Once the door swung open, Jody exclaimed with glee, "Oh, you did it! I didn't want to have to traipse down and get a bellman to come up here. Thank you so much." She pressed hard up against his body and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. "Would you like to come in for a moment? I mean, if you are alone, that is. I can't stand the idea of another movie in another hotel room all by myself."

Every muscle in his body seemed to be trembling. Surely, he wouldn't be able to say 'no' to her. But, he got closer to it than she had anticipated. "I've got an alternative suggestion," he said, "Why don't we go for a ride in one of those horse-drawn hansom cabs? I have always wanted to do that, but I never had anyone to do it with. I can't come into your room, Jody—that's just not me. But come for a ride in the park with me."

"Of course! I would do anything you want to do with me, Cooper." She said, running her hand down his arm, then holding his hand. Jody mentally texted the photographer and told him of the change of plans.

When they got to the horse-drawn cab, Cooper asked, "Would you like my jacket?" Naturally, being an android, Jody hadn't even thought about the cold. But after checking the temperature, plus wind speed, and noting the amount of synthetic skin she had exposed, she concluded that, yes, she ought to feel cold. She recalled what Kadar said she ought to do if she found herself in this situation.

"No, Cooper, just put your arm around my shoulders. I would like that a lot better," she replied, with a voice as sweet as any. She thought, that if she really were a cold human, she would have preferred both the jacket and the arm. Cooper put his arm around her and as he did she turned and kissed him passionately. He didn't break away. With her enhanced hearing Jody could hear the clicks of a camera from the fourth floor. That was the only kiss she had needed that evening. Surprisingly, Cooper seemed fine with that, and he declined another invitation to her room when they said their goodnights.

 _Why in the world was that so easy!?_ Was the thought that spun through Jody's mind all throughout the night. Had he really forgotten that they were on opposing sides for a very important case? When had they even seen each other in a non-professional setting before tonight? And Cooper had gone so far as to let himself be kissed with not even an attempt at a protest? Or did he know that there would be photographs, and was hoping to switch the narrative in order to try to compromise _her?_ Surely, it would look just as bad if she were seen kissing the enemy, right? Was the name of Jody Easler still not associated with this case? How would it not hurt _her_ to be seen kissing the opposing lawyer? She needed to be free of Kadar before the illogical actions Jody was forced to partake in short-circuited her brain.

;;;;;;;

The Devil, the Lord of Chaos, Prince of Darkness, and all-around Bad Guy had turned his full attention onto the Thomases. What that meant, for Laura, was that she was ordered to make it her primary mission to pry as much as she could into their lives. It was easiest to get information out of Deanna. She was naturally talkative with a low filter, and, now that Laura was looking for it, Laura realized that Deanna wanted to connect to her like she had as a child. Back then, Deanna wanted to cling to any sympathetic adult figure, and that clinginess had never left her. It had been useful to Laura in the past to get her to spy on other students and report to her on their behavior with one another, and it seemed as if it would be as useful to her now. She had learned many things about Trent's health, Nikki's obsession with performing autopsies on her dolls… She had even learned secrets, like how Cooper had gotten funding from someone who worked at the _Washington Star_ for the case. Why _that_ was a secret sounded fishy as anything, but as long as it all went to help the children, Laura wasn't going to complain.

Laura had been looking forward to bit of a break. So when Terry had suggested an evening of going to the theater for a movie she had once mentioned wanting to see, Laura had jumped at the idea. But then, Cooper came to her school. Why he didn't just call was beyond her, as was why the Today Show would try to contact her through Cooper in the first place. Was she not a grown adult who could make her own decisions outside of her lawyer? She had decided to let him lead the conversation to see where it would go. Instead of even acknowledging how weird it was for Cooper to even be at her school, he had begun the conversation by asking her about her engagement. She voiced that, yes, this _was_ the first time they had talked about the engagement, and Cooper had assured her that he hadn't felt like she had led him on. _Well, duh. Why even say that to me? It was all in your own head!_ Then, _then_ he got to why he was there, told her about the Today Show interview, had said, "Since we are all settled with each other, why don't I drive you to the show? I don't see how it is wrong for a lawyer to drive a witness to a television interview."

"Yeah, sure. Sounds good, Cooper." She had said it sarcastically. He didn't hear it that way. She thought about spelling out what sarcasm meant, but then thought that, if it wasn't _her_ on the show they might get, the Dark One forbid, someone like Deanna; and Laura couldn't trust Deanna to not be a blubbering mess in front of millions of TV viewers.

;;;;;;;

Laura was dead tired when Cooper came to pick her up at 5:30am the next day. Yeah, maybe she should have cancelled plans with Terry, but she had really been looking forward to a nice, relaxing evening with her boyfriend. Why should all of that be cancelled because some crazy TV exec couldn't give her even a 24 hour notice that they wanted her on air?

Cooper had bought himself a nice, new car with what Laura could only assume was the money he got from the _Washington Star_ guy. "Nice car." She said without enthusiasm.

Cooper heard it anyway. "Yeah, after that old thing of my aunt's, this seems like a whole new world. But it's just a car." He was obviously lying. Laura didn't have to be a demoness trained in every form of lies and deceit to see how proud he was of his new car.

Truthfully, Laura liked the old one better. This one just said its owner was pretentious and shallow. _It's not even about the car!_ She realized, _He used the money that was meant to help the children to buy himself something selfish! How is buying a CAR supposed to help with the case!? He ought to have used it to, I don't know, hire help – something! At least wait until after the case to buy something nice for yourself! How long did he deliberate on THIS when he should have been deliberating on the case? …If we lose this I'm placing the blame solely on him! I'll feed his soul to Father's dogs!_ Laura fumed inwardly. Outwardly, she very politely said, "Well, that was really great what that guy did from the Washington Star to underwrite the case."

Cooper turned white. "Guy from the Washington Star?" he asked innocently.

 _Oh, now you're trying to play games with me!?_ "Yeah, you know the publisher's brother or something. Deanna told me about the situation." She smiled sweetly.

"Deanna told you, huh? It was supposed to be confidential."

"Yeah, she told me that, too, but I was asking her about the case one night … I guess I was pretty persistent." If she had said what she just said to Gula in the voice she just used, Gula would have been running for the hills.

Instead, Cooper lightly chided, "Well, as long as it doesn't go any further."

"Oh, I promise not to tell anyone at all about it," Laura said in an almost sing-song voice. Truly, she was pissed. But, what she hadn't told Cooper was that Terry had been there too. Laura was sure that Terry would tell someone if she didn't tell him not to. Laura was counting on it. In the meantime, Laura would need to add, 'look for a new lawyer' to the growing list of things she needed to do. It was obvious that Cooper was insane.

;;;;;;;

Laura had done her makeup at home. The less people in her face, the better – especially after the short night she had. Besides, if she were alone she could just demon mojo the right looks on her face. Naturally, Cooper didn't realize her face was already caked in makeup when they were driving up. At the studio he looked on admirably as the makeup artists could do nothing more to her than to reapply some powder. _What an idiot._ She thought disdainfully. When she overheard Cooper asking the makeup artists if they could take off all the makeup as soon as they were done filming, she added _childish_ to her descriptor.

The 'interview' was a sham. They only asked her one question. Of course she answered in a way that wowed the interviewer. But, honestly, for that one she _had_ to use some of her demon mojo. She had merely stated that she taught what she did because it was the truth. That was the logical answer – the answer _most_ people would give. If he hadn't been prepared for that answer without her using demon mojo- well, that would have been pretty pathetic.

Maybe he felt something was off about his reaction to her answer; maybe he had only intended to ask her one question. Whatever the case, for the rest of the interview Laura sat there and fumed while Cooper fumbled through the other questions. Phrases like 'political correctness' and 'the founding fathers' were brought up and totally derailed the conversation.

The only other person who continued to make sense to her was Jody. Something she said kept replaying in Laura's mind: "When we teach a child that one's religion is truth, I think everyone benefits. Faith is such a noble thing. But when we teach children that their religion is the only truth, an insidious change takes place. Such children learn to look at others as lesser in value. Such ideas lead to disharmony, and potentially conflict, and ultimately violence." Laura couldn't have summed up her hellish mission better if she tried. And when put like that… But Laura stopped herself from thinking about it anymore. Besides, it was adults that caused conflict and violence. Yes, her children grew into those adults, and then those adults hurt the next generation of her children, and didn't it always pain her to hear of her children being hurt? But, didn't all of that play into her father's plan to bring more people into hell? He needed an army, after all. _Just, look at the big picture. And it's not your father's fault that The Enemy decreed that those who sin be brought to hell. Father is just using the rules that HE made towards father's own advantage._

One other thing Jody said stood out to her: "I think." Laura could sense every soul of the hundreds of beings in this room – both visible and invisible. From the TV execs overshadowed by Gula's oldest sister Cupiditas, to the woman in the green silk suit who had two shoulder angels, to Cooper's oddly bright soul. But Jody had no soul. Laura was staring right at the woman and could sense nothing from her. And yet, she said, "I think" as if she were a person. _Who are you, Jody Easler?_

She tried asking Cooper about Jody after the interview. She knew that Jody had been flirting with him. Could Cooper tell if her interest was genuine? "What's with that ambassador woman?"

"How do you mean?" Cooper quickly stuffed a small piece of yellow paper in his pocket.

"Well, you two seem really friendly with each other, so I thought maybe you'd know what her deal is."

"I can't tell you because I can't figure it out myself," he answered honestly.

 _But you're not even going to tell me what you DO know?_ "I think that she has a crush on you." Laura tried.

Cooper said nothing, but just shrugged and rolled his eyes.

 _What kind of an answer was that!?_ "Cooper? What's going on? Does she have a crush on you?"

"Oh … I am sorry. I didn't realize you were serious. How would I know that? But come on, you heard what she said. How could I ever be attracted to a woman who is so … so, I don't know. Liberal … I guess that word is the only way to describe her."

 _What the actual…_ "Did I ask if you're attracted to her? No, you know what?" She laid her hand on Cooper. "Don't worry about it. I'll talk to her myself. You just go along and worry about the case. The _case_ , Cooper. Not your shiny new car."

"But you have to stay by me!" He said simplistically.

"Why?" She snarled.

"Be- because you rode with me?"

"I'll take a cab." She deadpanned.

"But-!"

"Go!"

Cooper scampered off. Now, it was time to find Jody. This was exceptionally difficult, considering she couldn't just sense Jody's soul. But after asking a few demons if they saw a woman without a soul, she found Jody in a park watching some birds fly around. She looked happy and a bit wistful as she watched them. _So she doesn't just emote when people are watching her. That indicates that she has genuine emotions. But no soul?_ "Jody Easler?" Laura asked cautiously.

"Oh! Oh, it's… Laura Frasier. You're the schoolteacher." Jody stated mechanically.

"Um, yes. That's me. Hey, I know we're supposed to be on different sides, but, I really felt your concern for the children during the interview. So, I admire that. Maybe one day we can work together for the children."

"That would be nice, Laura Frasier."

"Please, just Laura. So , how did you come to care so much for children? Do you have any of your own?"

"No, but, it would be nice to have children. Someone else like me."

"Like you? Human?"

What emotions Laura could see on Jody's face shut off like a switch had been flipped. She said automatically. "Yes, of course I am human! What a strange thing to say! Why would you think I am not human?"

"No… Reason." Laura got a feeling of déjà vu. _This feels just like that conversation I had with Cooper. Is that why they're friendly? Are they from the same place? But, no. Cooper had answered honestly when I asked if he knew anything about Jody. If they are from the same place, then Cooper doesn't know it._

Just then they heard a wolf-whistle. A group of young men were walking towards them and leering. Emotions came back to Jody's face in the form of abject terror. Laura just groaned. _This is why I keep Terry around._

"Why are two such lovely ladies doing out here all by your lonesome?" The one with the most acne said.

"We are not alone. We are together." Jody said, confused. Laura facepalmed.

"Ooh! Together eh? Could you kiss for me? Even though I am Canadian?" The one with the tattoo of angel wings asked, making a kissing face.

"What does being Canadian-" Jody started.

Laura stopped her. "Not the time." She turned to the group. _How to deal with them?_ _We_ are _in a public park; what if I just screamed?_

But before she could, all of their phones started ringing. Some of them tried to turn them off or silence them, but they couldn't. One man threw his phone to the ground and tried stomping on it. But his was a Nokia and he barely even scratched it. Their mothers were on the other end and they were all screaming on speaker phone. "Leave those nice ladies alone, eh! I raised you better than this! You come home right now even though we are Canadian!" The other mothers were yelling basically the same thing. Most of the young men looked ashamed. Some shuffled off.

The one with the most acne, however, continued to advance on Laura and Jody. "Don't you want to know how your mother knew to call you?" Jody asked. She pointed up at a giant screen just visible through the trees. The acne'd young man's face stared back at him.

"You're broadcasting them?" Laura asked, impressed. _I definitely need to make sure I don't show off my demon mojo around her._

Jody smiled at her. "I have a few more tricks besides this."

"Could- Could you show me even though I am Canadian?" The angel tattoo'd young man asked abashedly.

Jody and Laura rolled their eyes and walked away. They agreed to go out for lunch together before Laura went home. Even though she didn't have a soul, Jody was pretty cool, Laura decided. _Maybe I'll try to learn her secrets another day._


	9. Of Stones and Crows

Author's Notes: I have no idea where the book is going, but it's been a bit since I posted anything, so might as well post what I have in a new chapter.

;;;;;;;

"Laura, I have a confession to make." Deanna told Laura over the phone.

"What is it?" Laura asked eagerly.

"I spanked Layton." Deanna stated.

"…And? Why is that- oh, yeah. That's what this case is about. Why would you do that? Do you want your children to be taken away?" Laura chided.

"But he was being a naughty boy!" Deanna pouted.

"Please don't say it like that. ...I'm coming over." Laura walked the short distance from the deli section to the produce section.

"Deanna was waiting for her outside her tent. She continued the conversation where they left off. "It would be a shame if word got out that I had spanked him and CPS actually tried to take my children. Rick wouldn't stand for it; he'd do anything to keep our family together. Anything."

"It… Would be a shame. But, you don't actually think they're going to take your children, do you, Deanna?" Laura said astutely.

"Oh, I'm going to keep my children in the end. I'm sure Rick would see to that."

"What could your husband possibly do?"

"Oh, you know, things. He's very good at disappearing." Deanna said airily.

"I… See. Is that everything you wanted to say to me?"

"Yes. I just really wanted to make sure I told someone over the phone that I spanked Layton. Also, do you know anything about computers? I want to send an electronic email saying that too."

"…I guess I can help you with that."

"Thank you! You're the best!"

;;;;;;;

"Status report: How goes it with investigating Deanna Thomas?" Satan asked from atop a mountain. He passed Laura some popcorn. She dutifully ate a handful. Laura didn't much care for popcorn, but eating it really drove home the message that the demons were only there to be entertained by people's suffering. They laughed as Sisyphus stumbled for the umpteenth time and fell down the mountain.

"Laura told him of the conversation she had with Deanna. "In conclusion, I believe the only one who has the power to time-travel is Rick. But it doesn't sound like he'd do it unless it's for an extreme reason. Hence, Deanna's actions."

"So, if they feel sufficiently threatened about their children being taken away, then they might disappear. But, we might learn _how_ they do it if they try. Now that we know we need to be watching them how can we miss what they do? But… It's still a risk. And do we want to take that risk right now? I'm assuming they'll eventually try to teach their children how they time-travel, and it should be easy to learn that info then. But do I want to wait that long? The Enemy is unpredictable – who knows what may happen between now and then? …Thank you for the information, Laura. You may leave."

"Yes, father." Laura unfurled her wings and flew off the mountain. She looked back and saw her father brooding, looking down over the mountain as if he were a stone gargoyle. Then, he threw the bag of popcorn at Sisyphus' head and watched as he tumbled back down the mountain. He gave a mirthless laugh.

;;;;;;;

Deanna had left with her kids to visit her parents. So when Laura noticed movement inside the family's tent in the produce section, she decided to investigate. It was just curiosity. Of course she wasn't worried about the well-being of some human family. She tried knocking first. No, of course she didn't try knocking on the tent. That would be silly. She knocked on the floor right outside the tent. Rick Thomas opened the tent flap. "Rick!" Laura exclaimed. "What are you doing here? I thought you would have gone to the grandparents too!"

"Why would I do that? I'm a man who has to work all of the time. Of course I'm not going to take some time off to invest in the well-being of my family. Deanna's fine and not desperate over anything! And Layton definitely isn't traumatized by anything he's experienced lately what with the case threatening to take him away from everyone he knows and loves! Why would you even think that! Hahahaha!" Rick laughed loud and full. He literally rolled on the floor, laughing. When he calmed down, he said, "That was meant to be a joke. …Yeah, I know. It got too real. No, I'm here because Nikki left her doll here and she wouldn't stop crying. So, I came back home to get it. …Hey, while you're here, Cooper called a moment ago asking me to deliver some papers to that Suskins guy – the one with the silver hair? But I really need to get going. So, could you deliver the papers for me? Thanks! You're a doll! You'll just have to go by Cooper's office to collect them. See you later Laura! I'll tell Deanna and the kids you said, 'hi!'" With that, Rick scrambled out of the tent and left, holding a doll under his arm that looked like it had been stitched and restitched all over its body.

"Good to see you too, Rick." Laura said sarcastically to his retreating back. "But did you ask me if I had time to play delivery girl today, no. I'm a full-time schoolteacher! Why would this fall on me!?" But, Rick was too far away to hear her.

So Laura, being the responsible demoness she was, dutifully picked up the papers from Cooper's office. She didn't know why Cooper would be asking his clients to do something that sounded more like it ought to be the work of a secretary or a postal worker, but, who was she to question- wait, why wouldn't she question this? Why did she always feel compelled to do whatever Cooper wanted? Compelled… Like how she compelled Beth to forget their conversation the other week? She needed to get to the bottom of this. But, how could she if she was stuck being Cooper's errand girl? Well, she'd just have to compel someone else to give the papers to Suskins. She saw the guy with the angel tattoo walking down the street. _He'll do_. "Excuse me?" Laura called out sweetly.

He stopped and turned towards her. "Huh? Are you talking to me even though I am Canadian?"

"Yes. Could you be a dear and pass these papers on to Randolph Suskins for me? Here's his address." Laura passed him the sheaf of papers with a note on top detailing how to get to Suskins' office.

"Why should I even though I am Canadian?" He asked suspiciously.

"Because you're Canadian?" Laura tried.  
"Fair enough." The guy with the angel tattoo took the papers from her and went on his way.

;;;;;;;

She was at Rusty's desk. The buzz of hundreds of demons shuffling through papers filled the air. They were still trying to find all of the anomalies of people going missing throughout the history of the human race. It was slow progress, but progress was being made. "So, let me get this straight," Rusty was telling her, "You came all the way to my office because you want to know about Cooper Stone? You already know about him! Remember when Gula was telling you about the clone of Peter Barron the other week?" Rusty asked Laura.

"Yeah, how the humans cloned the body of Peter Barron, but couldn't animate it so they put Paupertas' demon soul in it?"

"Yep."

"Wait, Paupertas is Cooper Stone?" Laura asked incredulously.

"Yep."

"Oh my father! That explains so much! That's why he doesn't seem to actually know anything! And why it he hasn't been able to afford to move out of his aunt and uncle's basement! …Who are his aunt and uncle then, anyway?"

"The scientists who created him." Rusty answered, reading from a folder he had pulled out.

"Ah, that makes sense."

"Laura, just who is Paupertas? What's his story? I don't remember him from when we fought against heaven and fell down to here." Rusty asked.

"I remember recording his story at one time. I doubt I can remember everything he said though. You don't have that recording?"

Rusty sighed, said he'd be right back, got up from his desk, and walked out, running into the doorframe on the way. He ran into it again on the way in, along with stubbing his toe when he reached the desk. "I have it but I hate this thing. It's a pain getting it to work right." Rusty played with the device until he got it working. Then the two sat back and watched the reel. It was an old black-and-white film, grainy in places, and the sound felt muffled. "Really ought to digitize this." He said.

;;;;;;;

In the film could be seen a demon with dark hued skin that Laura whispered to Rusty was a color of red that didn't look like it had been just kissed, but molested by the sun. There were calluses on top of calluses from what could be seen of his hands that were resting on his knees. But the hands were also very thin, almost shriveled. His whole body looked as if it might cave in on itself with hunger. His eyes were wide, white, with the ignorance of a child and he was looking at someone just off camera. They also glowed with hunger, much like Gula's whenever she saw food.

"State you name for the record, please." Laura's voice could be heard from off camera.

The creature opened his mouth, "Paupertas. Before I was known as Praecipio."

"Do you know what happened to you?" Film Laura asked.

"There is little I know, for I share the curse of both Ignorance and Want, the children that I created. The one thing I know is my life story. Do you want to hear it?" He asked.

"Yes, Paupertas. That's why we're here."

"Oh, right. Well, I was once called Praecipio, the spirit of giving. In heaven I was tasked with learning every child's need and providing for them. But I had seen the joy in the faces of those for whom I provided, and instead of being happy for them, in my selfishness I wanted to experience the same joy for myself. I gave myself the presents that were meant for the children. I hid my horde of toys in the North Pole. But, no matter how much I gained my hunger for more only grew. I began stealing from the children I had been tasked to provide for, me! In His anger towards me The Allfather, Our Creator, cursed me. I had created the anthropomorphic personification of Ignorance and Want in children, so I was tasked with providing for them – and to share their curse. But, despite my ignorance, I have always been able to find work in whatever occupation I choose. I think the Allfather made that happen that so that I could experience the myriad of ways people try to provide for their children. But no matter how hard I worked in providing for them, I could never redeem myself in The Allfather's eyes. I was bitter, and without hope. That's when Our Father Below found me. He bestowed on me another task: To spread the misery I now felt because of my curse to the humans. The curse had been meant for my edification, but, like with every demon, Our Father found a way to use our curses for his own benefit. And what benefits him will, eventually, benefit us. That's what he told us. He gave me hope. That is literally all I know."

"What do you mean that that's literally all you know? What is the capitol of Georgia?"

"Umm, Tennessee?" The creature fidgeted.

"No. That's a whole other state, Paupertas. Wow… that's really it. I'm impressed."

"Thank you!" He beamed.

"That's… Not a compliment."

;;;;;;;

The film ended. "Ah, that explains a lot." Rusty said. He got up to put the film away. "Maybe he was just bad at geography?"

"No. Trust me. We talked more after we were done filming. I literally put two apples in front of him, explained the concept of addition, and asked what one plus one is. Not only did he not get it right, I then told him to count the number of apples, and he asked me what came after 'one.' He was a sweet guy, but… damned idiot…"

;;;;;;;

The guy with the angel tattoo, who from now on we'll just name Angelic Jr., was walking down the street with the papers that the nice lady with the raven hair had given him. The address was on the top paper. Angelic had every intention of delivering the papers – not just because he was Canadian, but to make up to the lady how he had treated her that other time. His mother had been so disappointed with him after that broadcast. She was his only family in America, and she had done nothing but cry and ask herself where she had gone wrong since that incident. He wished he could go back to being someone she could be proud of, and helping the lady he had harassed sounded like a good start.

He whistled as he walked down the street. The whistling attracted songbirds. It always did. Birds had been his first friends even when he was in Canada. The blue jays had been his favorite. When he had first seen them, he thought they were like little pieces of sky that had come down to play with him. There weren't any blue jays around him now, but robins were plentiful, and they always made good company. They told him all about their troubles with the cuckoos who kept leaving their eggs in the robins' nests. The robins asked if Angelic Jr. could be a mediator between them and the cuckoos. Angelic Jr. said he'd be glad to, but then who would deliver the papers that the nice lady asked him to deliver? The largest two robins volunteered. So, Angelic Jr. tied the papers to the robins with a bit of twine and set them on their way. He knew he could trust the robins to get to the right place.

The robins were almost there when they were intercepted by a crow. This wasn't just any crow, but a shape-shifter that was much like the nice lady Angelic Jr. had mentioned. But the crow had been in its current form for so long that it had forgotten what it was before then. The crow did what he wanted, causing mischief or bringing fortune on a whim. "I heard you were bringing papers to the man with the silver hair; could I do so instead?" The crow asked. When questioned why, he answered "I have long loved how shiny the man is, and I want to get close enough to him that I could take him to my nest. He would be such a fine addition!" The robins knew better than to mess with such a powerful creature, and they figured that the papers would still get to the man with the silver hair, so that would be their mission fulfilled. They gave the papers to the crow and flew off.

The crow changed shape. The shape was almost human except it had feathers running down its arms and legs. As much as he hated to hide the beauty of his feathers, he was mindful that humans tended to wear clothes, so he acquired some. Then all he needed to do was get past Melissa VanLandingham, partner to the man with the silver hair. The only thing that the majority of people knew about her was that she was a woman in her forties who liked to dress in black pantsuits. But what they didn't know was, much like Van Helsing was a hunter of vampires, the VanLandinghams were hunters of supernatural animals – and Melissa was the most deadly hunter of all. But, seeing how this was just a friendly day-job visit to deliver some papers, she wouldn't try anything on him, surely?

He charmed his way past Brenda, the silver-haired man's assistant, and had actually made it all the way to the mahogany desk when he was caught. "Well, well, well." Melissa smirked, then gave a cacophonous laugh. "We meet again, my favorite fowl foe!"

"Melissa VanLandingham!" The crow squawked. "I am here on official day-job business! Look at these papers I got from a couple of robins. Do you think the robins would have been able to get past Brenda? Being the gentleman I am, I thought I'd help them out, make sure their papers got to the right person."  
Really?" Melissa asked. She pulled a knife out of an inside pocket of her jacket and began polishing it. "Well, regrettably, for you, Randolph has yet to return from his respite." At the crow's confused look, she said, "To be blunt, he's taking a break in the bathroom. But, if you left your bundle here, I'll make sure it's brought to him before too long."

"Oh, but I promised the robins that I'd personally see that their papers get delivered." The crow said.

"Liar!" Melissa attacked. She swiped her knife at the crow, but only managed to cut off part of his shirt. The crow dropped the papers on the floor and transformed into a giant bird of prey. He clawed at Melissa with his talons. Melissa fought back, but was only able to give the great bird a few nicks on his feet. With a loud CAW the crow disoriented Melissa enough for him to knock the weapon out of her hand. He picked her up and crashed through the window, a million tiny sparkling pieces of glass raining down on the heads of whoever was walking below.

As exciting a tale as a fight between a giant bird and a hunter of supernatural animals must be, our journey follows the fate of the papers. They were found by the British delegate, who was there visiting his old friend Randolph Suskins. He harrumphed at the damage he saw. He pounded the floor two times with his cane to summon his house-elves to fix the damage to the window while he took out his wand to clean the damage in the office. While cleaning he picked up the papers that were still lying on the floor and looked them over. Seeing that they were meant for Randolph he placed them on the now pristine mahogany desk. That's where Randolph Suskins found them, in the end.


	10. Deanna and Jeanne

Author's note: Okay, so Jeanne Garvis is the mother in the second family in the case in the book, but she and her whole family literally has no lines and do nothing. They're just mentioned sometimes. Well, no more! ...The lengths of these things are really all over the place, aren't they? Maybe I should've tried being more consistent, but it's organized more by the content of the chapter than a certain length...

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Deanna happily prepared the food for the barbecue she and her husband was preparing for their friends. They were at Deanna's parents' house - since they actually had a house. The parents, though, were planning on spending the afternoon at the park and maybe see a movie after. They wouldn't dream of bothering Deanna and her friends while they had their little get-together. They also took their grandchildren even though there would be kids at the barbecue. Beth said she figured that would be better since Deanna wanted to do all the cooking herself and the last thing she needed was a bunch of kids running around making her more stressed. Personally, Deanna thought having them around would make her less stressed, since she could have had them help her in the kitchen. Jeanne Garvis had offered to bring a couple side dishes, but there was something outright demonic about Jeanne's daughter being made out of fire, and Deanna couldn't trust anything that the woman might bring. She couldn't understand how dear, sweet Laura could stand being near such a monster six days out of the week. _Oh, that's another thing: They don't homeschool! How can they even call themselves Christian?_

While Deanna chilled the strawberries for ice cream, she thought back to the first barbecue she and Rick had been at together. There had been ice cream there too. Who was it that had hosted that time? _Ah yes, the Calverts'. I wonder how Cathleen is getting on? Or, had gotten on? I guess I can always search through records for her name, but…_ A shiver went down her body. That would be really weird just reading about how her old girlfriends had lived their lives. And if she did ever go back… It didn't bear thinking about. _What's something else I can think about?_ Cooper. _What would he do if he found out that I'm trying to sabotage the case? Not like I need to do so. Cooper's so inept I'm sure he'll find a way to mess everything up without me. Seriously, that car? I know he got it with money that was meant for the case. That's going to hurt him. And why is he focused so much on the color? I've heard Rick enthuse about cars before, going on about horsepower and- and functions! How well the car performs. The last thing on his mind is how the car looks in the sunlight. Why didn't Cooper just give his old car a paint job if that's all he's going to talk about? …Damned idiot._

During the barbecue, Deanna got a phone call asking for Cooper. Later he told her it had been a New York Times reporter asking him whether he had gotten funding through Wasson, the Washington Star guy.

"I can't imagine how he found that out," Cooper remarked.

"Well, I didn't tell him," Deanna said quickly. No, wait, scratch that. She said it smoothly. So smooth. After all, she was telling the truth. She didn't tell him.

"There were only five people other than Mr. Wasson and me who knew this, and they are all here," Cooper said slowly. "Laura told me that you let this fact slip out in some conversation. I don't mind that much your telling her. Just as long as neither of you told anyone else."

"No, no, not a soul," Deanna replied with a clear conscience. She had told Laura. Terry had just happened to be there.

"Cooper, I want you to know that I have not told a soul about this," Laura promised him.

Laura hadn't mentioned Terry either. Deanna needed to find out what game Laura was playing.

"Did I ever send you an e-mail about Mr. Wasson?" Cooper asked.

"No," several voices said at once. "Why?"

"It's just that e-mails are not truly confidential over the Internet," he replied. "But if I didn't send one, no problem."

"If someone hacked into our emails to find out how you obtained funding, that's illegal. Unless it's a government official with a warrant, I'm pretty sure you could get them in hot water real fast for violation of privacy." Laura stated.

"Well, it's a good thing that's not how this info was leaked then, huh?" Cooper asked testily.

"Okay. I'm just pointing out how illogical you are. You really can't be logical, can you?" Laura said testing-ly. As in, saying it as a way to test him. That's a word.

"The only thing I can think of is to go back to the Center for Constitutional Litigation and ask them to take the case. I know of no other way to raise the money at this stage of the case."

"Of course you know of no other way. You know nothing, you know? What's the capital of Georgia?" Laura asked.

"Atlantis." Cooper said positively.

"Closer." Laura muttered.

"It's… Milledgeville- I mean Atlanta! Umm, Closer than what Laura?" Deanna asked.

"…We'll talk later." Laura said. She was giving her a look. Deanna didn't know what it meant, but it scared her. Calculating was the best word she could come up with to describe it.

It was later. All of the guests had gone except for Laura and Terry. Deanna and Laura were alone in the kitchen cleaning up after the barbecue – that was the excuse they gave the guys so they could talk privately. They knew they wouldn't be bothered in the kitchen. After all, they were in exclusive girl territory.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" Deanna asked warily. Would Laura bring up her blunder from earlier?

"It's about Cooper. I… Found out some things about him. Have you ever tried asking him about his childhood?" Laura asked.

"No. I never thought to."

"Well, I did. He didn't seem to remember ever having a childhood. Isn't that strange?"

"That is strange. Can you skip to the part where you tell me exactly what he is? My parents are coming home soon with the kids and I don't want my kids around your Terry – no offense."

"No, no. I understand. I keep telling myself I'm going to break up with him. I have literally no idea why we're still together. He's obviously no good for me and he never helps out around the house. …Anyway, Cooper. He's actually a clone."

"What?"

"Yes! His aunt and uncle are actually scientists who cloned the body of one Peter Barron and that clone is Cooper. I know it's hard to believe, but-"

"No! That makes perfect sense! That's why he's so ignorant. He hasn't been around that long! And I guess his creators helped get him a job, too. After all Peter's a lawyer. They must have thought Cooper would be naturally gifted at it since he has the same genes. But he's so dumb… we can't have him secede the case to the Center for Constitutional Litigation. They'd actually be competent. Then Rick would never feel pressured enough to consider moving! Laura, will you help me keep Cooper as our lawyer?"

"I don't know if there's much I can do. I mean, he freaking bought a car with the money that was supposed to be used for the case! And he tried using me to deliver papers to the opposing side! Even with our combined power it might not be enough to stop Cooper from holding the idiot ball long enough to keep him on the case! Ugh, don't look at me like that. You look just like Layton asking for another snack. …Fine, I'll do what I can to help you."

"Yay! Thank you Laura!" Deanna hugged the younger woman. It felt good to have another person in her corner, supporting her. It felt foreign, but good.

;;;;;;;

Deanna objected to looking into getting a new lawyer, but was overruled by Rick and Doug Garvis. She should have known that would happen. But, surprisingly, Jeanne had been on her side. When Laura learned that Jeanne had also wanted to keep Cooper, she suggested Deanna should ask Jeanne to help them with their cause. But Deanna wanted nothing to do with the woman or her daughter made of hellfire! Just the thought of spending any more time around them than she needed to made it feel like someone was squeezing her heart until she couldn't breathe. But then… What if, what if the reason they failed at keeping Cooper was because she didn't utilize _all_ of the resources available to her? Deanna knew that was just the anxiety talking, but… how reliable could Jeanne as an ally? Why did Jeanne want to keep Cooper? Shouldn't she attempt to find that out? Maybe she could ask Laura to ask Jeanne. But… Laura was a full-time schoolteacher with a crazy fiancée that she still hadn't figured out how to get rid of. She already had a lot on her plate. No, Deanna was going to face her fears. Talk to Jeanne. Even if she did turn out to be some sort of fiery demon in disguise.

She approached Jeanne after their Sunday school for young mothers they both attended. "Hey, it stinks that it looks like we're not keeping Cooper. How do you feel about everything?"

Jeanne looked at Deanna with wide eyes. "You are talking to me? Why? You have never spoken to me before now."

Jeanne had an accent! How did Deanna never notice before? "Y-yes, but I realized that we are on the same side, and I really should have reached out to you sooner."

"Is that so? What made you change your mind? ...Why do you want to keep Cooper?" Jeanne asked.

"Why do you?" Deanna asked defensively.

"I asked you first." Jeanne said.

"He… I…" Deanna faltered.

"You and him? Together?" Jeanne smiled.

"God! No! I am faithful to my husband thank you very much!" Deanna gagged.

" _Joudan yo_! I was only teasing!" Jeanne said hurriedly. "Your head is too good for him. No, you are too smart for him!" She sighed, "Now is a bad time to speak of such things. I need to pick Emily up. Besides, I know you only spoke to me so that I could help you. How long have we known each other? Two years? Two lonely women with husbands who refuse to understand us and who have no other friends, and you look at me like I am an _oni_. …No, we are not on the same team even if we have the same goal. Don't think years of ignoring me can be solved with an outside conflict. Goodbye, Deanna. When I leave for good, I won't miss you." Jeanne walked off before Deanna could say another word.

Deanna stood there dumbfounded. _I mean, yeah I ignored her all the times she asked to set up play dates for Layton and Emily, refused her help with the barbecue, think she's a literal demon… But I thought I was being subtle with all that! She is so good at reading people! Ah well, I can at least tell Laura that I tried. …Wonder what she meant when she said 'leave for good.' She's probably going back to hell, where she belongs. She must be a demon, after all. With that fireball daughter._

;;;;;;

"Miss Frasier, I need to speak to you." Jeanne said in a quiet voice.

"Yes Miss Garvis?" Laura said.

"Cooper is very mad at Terry because he is the leak. That is, he is the one who told the press about things about the case. You should know that Terry is not trustworthy. You should not be marrying such a worthless man!" Jeanne asserted.

"…Thank you for telling me. I'll be sure to keep it in mind. You're a good friend, Jeanne." Laura said.

"No, thank you. You have been the only person in America who has never been afraid of my Emily. I hope to return to Japan soon, but I will miss you." Jeanne patted Laura's hand and walked off.

Laura felt like crying. _Why? Just because she was kind to me? Because she was grateful? Why do I care what she thinks of me? What's wrong with me?_ She swept at her eyes with her hand, and was dismayed to see tears there.

"Laura! I overheard the whole conversation! I can't believe Jeanne would just leave you when you'd obviously be in a strong emotional state after such news about Terry! Well, as your great friend, I'll stay by you!" Deanna said. She hugged Laura and rummaged in her purse for a tissue.

Laura groaned inwardly. She was so tired, and now she needed to deal with Deanna's insecurities? When would it end? _I'm just going to tell the truth. No thinking about it._ "No, you have it all wrong. I'm not crying over Terry. Haven't I been saying for a while now that I need to break up with him? No, I'm crying because… because I don't know! Jeanne said she'd miss me when she moved back to Japan and, I'm not used to people being that sincerely grateful, I guess? It's such a dumb thing to cry over…"

"Oh…" Deanna whispered. "Laura, what if, what if Jeanne is a demon and she's just nice because she wants something from us?"

"Because her daughter is made out of fire? I understand where you're coming from, but they're not demons. I looked into it. It's like a family curse or something." Laura said.

"Oh…" Deanna found her packet of tissues. She handed it to Laura.

Just then Laura's phone rang. "It's Cooper. Heh, it just never ends, does it?" She answered it. "Hey Cooper. What's up? …You need my dad's phone number? Why? …You're, not going to tell me. But you want it anyway? Really? …What? …Did you really just say that? …Well gee I don't know I'd better ask my daddy if it's okay for me to give his phone number out. I can't decide for myself what's fine, after all. …Well, isn't that how you see me? I'll call you back later. …No. Let me repeat that. _I'll_ call _you._ " Laura ended the call. "He really needs to stop projecting his childishness onto other people."

"He wants your father's phone number? Is he trying to ask for your hand in marriage?" Deanna asked.

"But, as far as he knows I'm still engaged. Also, I can't think of a time where that way of thinking wasn't outdated. But… Knowing Cooper… Ugh, I'll give him the phone number. I'm curious to hear what sort of crazy comes out of his mouth."

"Ooh! Whenever you hear from your dad what happens tell me too!" Deanna clapped her hands with glee.

"Haha! We could make a brunch of it!" Laura laughed.

"Yes! …And, I guess we can invite Jeanne too." Deanna said.

"Sounds good." Laura smiled. But as soon as Deanna left, so did the smile. _What is this warmth I'm feeling? Am I really proud that my old student Deanna is finally reaching out and trying to make friends? What's wrong with me? I'm not acting at all demonic… But, I don't want to ever hurt Deanna either. I just hope father never asks me to._

;;;;;;;

"Wanna have some fun? Cooper just asked for my father's number. Idk why." Laura texted Satan.

"...Huh. Could be a laugh. Sure, give it to him." He texted back.

"Tell me what happens!"

;;;;;;;

It had been a while since he had checked on Paupertas, er, Cooper. Had Cooper started to remember any of his old self? Could he use Cooper at all the way he was now? How could he manipulate Cooper? It was still important for Laura to be able to teach what he willed to the children, but... No, the most important thing was learning how Rick time-traveled. Laura once said that Rick sometimes confided in Cooper, what did he know?

He spent the day in Florida with his cell phone, just in case Cooper were to track where the call was coming from. He stopped by Disney World and made children cry, he went to the Everglades and watched the horror-stricken faces of tourists as an alligator ate an injured egret, at night he walked along the beaches and stared out at the dark expanse. Even he felt small as sea and sky went on further than his eyes could track. _I hate this feeling._ He decided to go back to Downtown Disney and scare all the couples there however he could.

Satan called it a night around 1am. At 4am, Cooper called. Although his mind was always sharp, the physical body he had on, however, was not. His arms were too heavy to move. After a while it stopped ringing, then started again. Then it stopped, then started again. Finally he had enough energy to pick it up. "Hello. This is Laura's father speaking." He said groggily.

"Good morning! I would like to speak to you, sir, about your daughter's fiancee."

"Are you asking for his hand in marriage?" Satan asked.

"No! That is an abomination! How could you ask me such a thing?" Then Cooper whispered, "Are you a gay?"

"I could be. What do you think a gay is?"

"A happy person." Cooper whispered as if he was relaying some great secret.

"...What?"

"I am joking, of course."

"Of course." Satan never quite knew what to do with crazy people. They were too unpredictable to manipulate properly. "Is it related to the case then? The case concerning the Garvis' children?"

"Yes. That is what I wish to speak with you about."

"How are they doing?"

"I do not know. I never speak to children. I do not think they like me."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Do Rick and Deanna like you?"

Somehow, he could hear Cooper's face light up. "Yes! Rick even tells me things."

"Like secrets? It must be nice to be so trusted! No one tells me things anymore. I'm just an old man, now."

"Oh... I'm sure Laura would tell you things if you asked her to. She's very kind."

One of his demons being described as 'kind' rubbed him in all the wrong ways. But, it was part of her act, after all. "Yes, you're right. So what did you want to call me about?" There was a pause. "...Hello?"

"Peter said I should not be the one to call you. But I cannot help it. Someone close to Laura should know. Pipkin is the leaker!" Cooper cried. His voice was unbearably loud so early in the morning. Satan held the phone some distance from his face.

"Leaker? As in he leaks the bed?"

"... Huh?"

He moved the phone closer. "As in he pees...? You know what? Nevermind. It's never funny if you have to explain it."

"I hear that a lot."

"I'm sure you do." Satan sighed. "Well, thanks for telling me. But why are you telling me, a total stranger multiple states away when everything you said concerns Laura?"

"Because I love your daughter!" Cooper gasped. It was clear he didn't mean to say that.

Satan chuckled lowly to himself. He had been working since the beginning of the world to twist what people call love, and with Cooper he didn't even have to put in the effort. But how badly did Cooper not understand love? "You love my daughter, so therefore you're not talking to her? Not even to tell her how her boyfriend is misbehaving?"

"Well, no. I did not want to have selfish reasons in telling her, like if I were to tell her about Pipkin just so she might break up with him and start dating me, would that not be selfish? I do not want to be selfish with her."

 _You really think the only thing that's keeping Laura from dating you is some human man-baby?_ "That's... Some logic, Cooper."

"Thank you!"

Satan hung up. It was too much. He rolled over in his bed laughing and fell back asleep.

In the morning he texted Laura: " Coop called 4am. He said Pip was leaker & didn't tell u bc he didn't want 2 b selfish. Figured you'd date him if only u weren't with Pip. rofl"

Laura read the text to the group around the table. Four faces had equal expressions of confusion on it.

Jody spoke first. "He does realize that there are millions of men you could also date, does he not?" It had taken some convincing on Laura's part to let Jody be a part of their brunch too, but Deanna said that since she was already giving Jeanne a chance, what's one more person? Jeanne saw that she was outnumbered and didn't say anything. But she kept her daughter on the other side of her from where Jody was.

Jeanne spoke next. "Even then, you don't have to date any of them. Why is that not an option?"

"Mommy, I don't like Cooper. Laura can do better." Emily said. The others agreed.

Deanna, however, had other things on her mind. "…What is rofl?"

" 'rolling on the floor laughing,' it means Dad found the whole thing hilarious." Laura said. "I know we came out here to talk smack about Cooper, but frankly, I'm tired of him. I feel like he's always around and I just wish I could get away from him."

"Do you think he could be stalking you?" Jody asked fearfully.

"Surely he's so incompetent that Laura would notice, right?" Deanna asked.

"Have you been stalked, Miss Jody?" Emily asked.

"Emily! That's a very personal question." Jeanne admonished.

Jody paused a moment, then said, "Yes. I am being stalked. But I cannot say by who. You all cannot help me in my situation, but I could help you. I could monitor him for you and tell you if he is stalking you, Laura."

"Why can't we help you?" Deanna asked. Her mama bear protectiveness was coming out.

...I have already said too much. No, but let me help you now." Jody's eyes turned white. Deanna looked alarmed, but Jeanne just looked curious. In a moment her eyes returned to normal. "I have monitored Cooper's movements for the past week through his cell phone. He has not been stalking you, but he has been near the school in the early mornings. Just, standing still, presumably staring at it. It could be indicative of an obsessive behavior towards you, and the obvious convoluted over thinking revealed in his conversation with your father does support that hypothesis."

" _Chikan!_ " Jeanne announced. "And spying on a children's school! The worst kind!" Her face was flushed with fury.

"That is another viable theory." Jody stated.

"I really don't think he is." Laura said hurriedly. "He's too much like a child to have such lewd inclinations."

"Can you be sure?" Jeanne asked.

"I strongly believe so. When has he even kissed anyone?" Laura asked.

"He kissed me." At the surprised looks on the other women's faces, she explained, "Well, I kissed him first. I was ordered to..." She shuddered.

"What was it like?" Deanna asked.

"I do not have much kissing experience, but I do not believe it was good. He just kept pushing his lips against mine. Also, very wet."

The others winced. "What do you mean you were ordered to?" Laura asked.

"...I cannot say. Please, do not ask me more!"

"Did the person who's stalking you order you to kiss Mr. Cooper?" Emily asked.

"Emily, she begged us to not ask her more. And what did you just do?" Jeanne asked harshly.

"...Sorry Miss Jody." Emily said quietly.

"It is okay. You are only a child." Jody said.

After that the conversation turned to lighter topics. Soon it was time for the group to disperse. They talked of having another brunch again some time, but a dispute arose over when it could happen with everyone's busy schedules. They decided to call each other sometime later to see if they could finalize a date then.

Laura and Deanna drove home to the abandoned grocery store together. "So, what did you think?" Laura asked.

"I'm glad I went, and that we're tentatively planning another get-together, even though the only person that I feel comfortable spending any time alone with is you. But it was nice to talk to other women like that all the same."

"I'm glad. I think they're good people."

"If you think so..."


	11. They Broke Up! Now The Fun Begins!

Author's note: This chapter is short, but it's really the turning point where I focus more on my story and stop parodying so much of the original book. So, that's why it gets its own chapter. Really my next few chapters are probably going to be shorter, but more happens, so...

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Laura looked over to where her fiancée was sitting. _How do I feel about him leaking info to the press? Cooper will probably be gone. Deanna wanted to keep Cooper so the case could go south and her husband will be forced to move them to keep the family together. Do I want the case to go south? What about Jeanne's daughter? Jeanne wants to move back to Japan, if she does… Then her daughter won't be under my teaching, regardless of anything else. No, I want both of them to stay here where I can teach their children. That's what my father would want. So, how do I feel about what Terry did? I don't know. …No. Even if the outcome is favorable, I don't like his motives for what he did. I don't like how he's so insecure or how he doesn't talk to me about big things like this. Why am I still with him? If he's willing to, for all he knows, sabotage the lives of four innocent children, then he disgusts me. Maybe that's not demonic of me, but… I don't care! How dare he disregard the lives of children like this?_ "Terry, did you leak this information to the press?" She asked, keeping her voice calm.

"Yeah. Why?" He answered, not looking up from the TV.

Laura sighed, "Do you think Cooper's a competent lawyer?" _I keep giving you chances. Please show me they weren't all in vain. Please say no…_

"I have no reason to think he isn't." He said, looking at her. Laura's heart plummeted. "I don't like how you keep using his first name."

"Terry, what about the children?" _One more chance…_

"What about them?"

"If they have a bad lawyer then they're more likely to be separated from their parents. Are you really so callous?"

Terry caressed her shoulder. "Laura, Laura! Love of my life! As long as you're not separated from me, who cares?"

It was the worst thing he could have said. A wave of lucidity came over her. She sat straight and told him, "I'm leaving you."

"What?" He moved his hand off her like he had been electrocuted. "Please say you're joking?" He pleaded.

"I'm not. You can't stop me, Terry." She got up and walked towards the door.

"Oh, can't I?" The door slammed shut in front of her. Terry hadn't even moved.

"What is this? Some new technology?" Laura tried the door, but it wouldn't budge. She used her demon mojo and felt a power pushing back against her own. It was sickeningly familiar. Her hands were trembling as she turned around to face the man she thought she knew. "P-p-!" But she couldn't get the name out.

"What's that my dear? Oh! Are you trying to say my name? Spit it out, dear! I know you can do it! You used to say my name with such rapture!" Terry, no, Possidebit had a terrifying expression on his face. He pounced at her and his arms engulfed her. Laura tried screaming, but no sound would come out. She tried moving, but it was like pushing back against a boulder while going uphill; he always came back to the same spots. Possidebit grabbed her arm, then pushed her face toward his. He kissed her. Laura's wings shot out of her back. It disoriented him enough for Laura to attack back. She scratched three deep, red gashes across his left cheek. He screamed in pain. Then the scream split into two distinct voices – one human, the other decidedly not. He held his hand up to his cheek. Laura dove for the opening this provided. Not caring who would see she crashed through the window and flew away into the night.

;;;;;;;

Laura spent the night sobbing in the middle of a forest in the mountains. _How could I be so stupid?_ Was the only thought that kept her company. In the morning, she departed for hell. Despite her emotions, she was a dutiful demoness, and she needed to tell everyone that she had found Possidebit. She snuck back home without being detected and walked through her mirror. In the throne room she heard her father yelling. "I ordered you to stay far away from Laura! How dare you disobey me! Give me one good reason to not send you straight to the hottest pits of hell!"

Then the voice that haunted her nightmares answered back. "I did it all for you, oh great Father, Prince of my heart! You know my powers lie in possession. I stayed far away from Laura, as you commanded, for what felt like eons. But don't you see she was the perfect person to challenge me? If I could possess someone close to her – she who once knew me as I knew myself – and remain undetected, what challenge would be too great for me? And I did it, father, for seven years. Only when I knew I could no longer keep her close did I reveal myself. Now, I humbly beg you to let me be your servant once again. My one desire is to do your bidding."

Satan's voice was no longer angry. Instead, it sounded thoughtful. "Hmm. It is true that your powers would be of great use to me. But, the fact remains that you disobeyed me, and traumatized one of my most faithful children. I can't trust that you won't disobey me in the future." A heavy silence descended. When he spoke again, it was in a voice with the power to curse. "…Those gashes Laura gave you were well executed. I decree that whenever you stray from the commands I have given you, they will bleed anew, with the pain you felt when she first raked her claws across your skin multiplied tenfold. Is this acceptable? I wouldn't want to leave you without a choice in the matter. You know I'm a strong believer in choices."

"What's my other choice if I don't agree to your terms?"

"Oh, there are many! The hottest pits of hell, alligator-infested swamps, having to watch My Little Pony G3.5 on repeat… The list is endless, really."

"Yes! I consider your terms acceptable." Possidebit said hurriedly.

"Then, we have a deal." Laura didn't stay to listen to anymore. i _My own father-!/_ i but she had to stop herself. She knew, ultimately, that Satan had no greater aim than power. So him teaming up with Possidebit for Possidebit's power was only natural, wasn't it? i _He's only being a demon…_ Is that all demons have to offer? Pain? Torment? The fear Laura felt when Possidebit was crushing her to himself rushed back to her. The hopelessness, the terror. _That's only being a demon_. Deanna's loneliness, Cooper's incompetence, the light draining from Layton and Emily's eyes as they were taught that God's heart was too small to hold everyone. _Only being a demon. But… I'm hurting so much because of a demon. Is that just what we do to others? 'Steal, kill, and destroy.' Bring pain and misery. That's all I do as a demon. The times when I'm happiest is when I'm being the least demonic. When Jeanne is grateful towards me, or getting brunch with everyone. Didn't I become a demon so that I could do what I want? …What if I want to make others happy and show them how to be better people? But then I wouldn't be useful anymore! My father would disown me. How could I? I'd be giving up everything: My family, my oldest friends, the resources at my disposal, the only place that feels like home, all to make the lives of lowly mortals better? That's… insane. But… How can I continue being a demon, now that I've felt the pain we cause? What should I do?_


	12. When you Play With Fire

Author's Note: Everyone finds out about Laura. Original book is increasingly annoying, so nothing about that book shows up here. It's for the best.

;;;;;;;

 _Laura never showed up for church today. I hope everything's okay._ Deanna tried calling her, but received no answer.

Evening came, and still Deanna had heard no word from Laura. Deanna decided to check on her at her fort. "Laura, dear, are you okay?" She called out, knocking on the door. _No answer. What if she's too ill to answer? Or was kidnapped? I need to get in there!_ Since the fort was made out of paper towels and cardboard, this was easily done. As soon as she pushed against the cardboard door it opened with ease. She looked around. There was a single-sized air-mattress in one corner, a large desk covered in paperwork along the other wall, and, right across from Deanna, another door. She opened it and saw a storage closet which could hold nothing important. _But… She's not anywhere else…_ Deanna stepped through the door, and when she did, the room changed. The boxes disappeared and the room stretched out before her. In here was a full-fledged kitchen complete with a coffee maker. Deanna stepped back into the other room, and the illusion of a storage closet appeared again in front of her. She stepped forward again, and the kitchen appeared. Beyond the kitchen was a living room with a new-looking couch that looked perfect for lounging, a TV, and the most hideous mirror Deanna had ever seen. It really didn't seem to fit with the other décor. While everything else in the room was in a minimalist style, this mirror looked as if it could compliment Peter Paul Rubens' _The Fall of the Damned_ in the way the mass of faces that surrounded the mirror writhed in their movements. But the visages of the faces themselves evoked more to her mind Francisco Goya's _Saturn Devouring His Son_ due to the visceral horror she experienced while gazing at them. But, despite her horror, she couldn't turn away. Gaunt faces, bloated faces, shadowy faces, and a face that looked sunburnt despite being made out of bronze all looked like they were staring at her, through her, beckoning her to come closer, closer. Deanna felt as if she were being pulled by the tide as she moved closer to the mirror. The last thing she saw before she hit the mirror was a face that made her feel sick. Not because such a beautiful face had been made grotesque by horns, bared fangs and hate-filled eyes, but because of the familiarity. The face looked like it could belong to Laura Frasier.

Saying, "She hit the mirror," doesn't convey what really happened. She ought to have hit the mirror. For a moment it felt as if she had hit something – but it was the sort of something that felt more like she had just dived sideways into a body of water. But instead of feeling wet, her skin began to feel itchy and dry. It was hot, hotter than being pregnant in the Georgian summer without air conditioning. She screamed in agony as her face and arms blistered. Then she felt hands grab her under her arms and pull her up, up away from the ground. She had no way of knowing how high they flew as the black smoke rising up from below covered her. She tried not breathing it in, and was about to pass out when she and whoever was carrying her finally landed. They were on a cliff overlooking a great fire. Deanna could hear screams on every side of her suffocating her just as much as the smoke had.

Then she heard a voice whisper in her ear, "You're not supposed to be here." Deanna screamed. The voice laughed. "Who's going to hear your scream among the souls of so many damned?" The voice put his hand over her nose and mouth until she lost consciousness.

When she woke up, she was in a hospital bed. The sun was just peaking in through the window. _Could it have all been a dream? But, no._ Deanna ran her bandaged hand over her face. It was also covered in bandages. _What_ was _that place?_ She heard a loud grunt from her left and saw her husband sleeping fitfully on a recliner chair. There were wrinkles on his face she had never noticed before. _I shouldn't wake him._ Deanna dropped her head back onto her pillow and tried to recall what happened. _I went through a… portal? In a mirror? It was really hot. There was a smoke. And there was a voice… It sounded familiar… It…_ "TERRY PIPKINS!"

"What!?" Rick yelled. He woke up and locked eyes with Deanna. "You're awake! How are you feeling? Do you need anything? Are you in pain? Oh my God, Deanna! I thought…" Rick burst into tears. It was a sight Deanna had never seen before.

"I'm fine. They must have put me on some really good pain medicine because I don't feel anything! Could you tell me what happened? I don't know how I ended up here."

"Deanna, that's because your nerves were- But Jeanne's working on it. She said you might not be able to feel in the same way, and there will be scarring, but… Damn it! I thought I had lost you!" He took Deanna's bandaged hand and kissed it.

"Jeanne? Jeanne Garvis?" Deanna asked.

"Yeah. Apparently she's some world-renowned doctor who specializes in burn victims. …Deanna, no matter what you look like I want you to know that I love you and I'm going to stick by you. God, when I thought you were dead-!" He choked.

Deanna put her hand back up to her face. She knew she was crying, but she couldn't feel the tears run down her face. "Rick, what happened to me?" Rick squeezed her hand tighter, "Rick, please answer me."

"Laura's fort caught on fire. Cardboard, paper towels, papers… They're all pretty flammable, so it spread quickly. I ran out as fast as I could with the kids. There was a group of us in the parking lot all calling the fire department and looking for our loved ones. My heart stopped when I couldn't find you. I kept yelling out for you. Emily ran back in to look for you. She found you in Laura's fort. We thought… She had been too late…" Rick stopped.

"Rick? What happened next?" Deanna pleaded. "Please, if you don't tell me I'll go mad!"

"I… decided to break my own rule. 'I could time-travel,' I thought, 'I could save Deanna.' I never told you, but I had hidden my time-travel device in your parents' basement after we moved to the abandoned grocery store. I was about to use it when I was hit over the head with a shovel. Terry Pipkin was the one who was standing over me. He took the device, then turned into some sort of shadowy bat. I know that sounds unbelievable, but I can't remember it any other way. I lost consciousness. When I woke up, your parents were standing over me asking what had happened. …They're at their house with the kids, but they're planning on coming with them later this morning. …No one's seen Terry since then. Hey, are you okay?"

"Terry Pipkins." Deanna whispered. The voice she heard she thought had belonged to him, and now this? Did he start the fire? But… That large fire… That wasn't Laura's fort. _What happened to the mirror?_ "Was anything salvaged?"

"Some of the Garvis' stuff, and other people who lived further away from Laura's fort. Also, surprisingly, a small storage room of Laura's didn't look at all like it had been touched. We just looked through the door, but didn't see a point in going through her stuff."

"Huh. Thanks for being Mr. Exposition." Deanna smiled, even though Rick couldn't see her face. "One last question: Had anyone seen Laura yet?"

"No."

"I see." Deanna remembered how the hand she was now sure must have belonged to Terry had smothered her. She shuddered and sent up a prayer for Laura's protection. _He took the device._ What all that entailed was too much for her to think on right now. She was so exhausted… "I love you, Rick." She said before drifting off to sleep.

;;;;;;;

When Deanna awoke again, she was alone. Thinking that probably her family would show up soon, she took this respite away from people to process everything she and Rick talked about. _Terry took the time-travel device. Rick can't find it. He would have in moments if any of the tracking technology he keeps with it was working. Is it really gone for good? I know where I saw Terry last, but…_ She looked down at her arms still covered in bandages from being burned. _How would I even be able to search that place without this happening to me again?_ Deanna's hopes of even visiting home again one day were crashing. It felt like she had learned that all of her friends had died at once. She cried. She grieved for Melanie, for Cathleen – yes, even for Scarlett. She grieved for Laura too and wherever she was now. She prayed that Terry wouldn't hurt her and, if she was in that fire filled place, that somehow the flames wouldn't harm her. Eventually she felt more at peace. Jeanne came in not long after Deanna dried the last tears from her eyes. Her hair was tied up in a loose ponytail and it looked like she needed a good nap. "You look like you're about to fall over. Wanna switch places?" Deanna quipped.

"What?" Jeanne turned to face her. "Oh! You are awake! Thank goodness!"

"You actually sound relieved. I can't believe you actually worried about me. Didn't think you had it in you." Deanna smiled.

"I don't." Jeanne said. Deanna frowned. "There was no need to worry. Your burns weren't that bad."

"Really? I'm literally covered in bandages." Deanna tried to point it out, but she couldn't bend her fingers enough to point at anything.

"Yes. But I usually work with a lot worse. At least none of your skin melted off. And you still have ears." Jeanne stated. Deanna conceded that she had a point. Jeanne gave a small smile, then said, "Deanna, do you know what happened? I don't understand how that fire could have started and spread so easily."

"…You're not going to believe me."

"Really? I promise you that no matter how dumb a thing it is that you did, I will believe that you are that dumb." Jeanne laid her hand over Deanna's in a picture of perfect sincerity.

"Wow! You're almost as mean as Scarlett – almost." Deanna muttered. "But… Since it may involve Laura possibly being in danger... I really ought to tell you. You might know how to withstand…"

"Speak up please." Jeanne interrupted.

Deanna took a breath. "I went to go check on Laura. She hadn't been at church, and she's usually really good at telling someone if she's not planning on being there. I knocked on her door, but didn't hear anything. …You're a mother. Maybe you'd understand a mother's worries. I was afraid she was in there too sick to reply, or worse. I broke open the door. I couldn't find her, but I noticed another door on the other end of the room from where I was. I opened it, and saw a small storage closet." Deanna stopped.

"Yes. I saw that room after the fire. It was still standing. What happened next?" Jeanne urged.

"Did you try going in that room?" Deanna asked. Jeanne shook her head. "…Here comes the unbelievable part: When you step into the room, it's bigger on the inside. It's the truth! I stepped into the closet room that you saw, and suddenly I was in a kitchen. I can tell you don't believe me, but let me finish my story, then go see for yourself. The furniture was minimalistic, except for an ornate, floor length mirror rimmed with the faces of demons. I was sucked into the mirror, and I was surrounded by fire. A flying creature saved me. It spoke and… It had Terry Pipkin's voice. He laughed when I screamed, then I was knocked out. When I came to, I was here. I can see you don't believe me, but go investigate! See for yourself!" Deanna pleaded.

Jeanne folded her arms and scrutinized Deanna. "You're thinking Laura is missing because she was sucked into a mirror? And somehow Terry's involved with the whole thing? Right?"

"Basically."

"…Fine. I'll humor you. I'll check out this mirror in a kitchen in a storage closet. Might as well check before I get you institutionalized. After all, I'm no stranger to strange things." Jeanne said more to herself. She left.


	13. Be Sure Your Sins Will Find You Out

Author's Note: Okay, this is literally just up here because I always have an author's note. But I hope y'all are as excited to read the story as I was writing it, and therefore completely skipping what I'm writing up here.

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It was just as Deanna had said. Jeanne was literally standing in kitchen that had looked like a storage closet, and was sticking her hand through a mirror that, she checked, wasn't coming out again on the other side. She could feel the heat Deanna had warned her about. Jeanne pulled her hand back. She searched through her purse for the fire-retardant gel she kept in there, covered her head in it, took a breath, and plunged her head through the portal. She was on the edge of a great lake of fire. All around her she could hear the sound of flames and the screams of terrified people. It was exactly as Deanna had described. "I guess I should tell her she's not crazy. Maybe." Jeanne said to herself. "But Deanna acted like she was _in_ the fire." She pulled her head out, then put it back in again. This time she was in the middle of a whirlwind of couples. Again she pulled her head out, then stuck it back in. She was in a forest full of people who looked like trees, or maybe the other way around. Again she did it, and she was on a cliff. She could see the whirlwind in the distance and the lake of fire was below her at the base of the cliff. A map of the area began to form in her mind. Jeanne smiled. If Laura was here, Jeanne would find her. She was positive.

;;;;;;;

Jeanne wasn't sure if she could trust the portal to not close on her once she was on the other side, but, if she could get access to a something like a robot that she could communicate with remotely then even if the portal did close, she'd be fine. Jeanne knew what she needed to do.

*Brrrng* "Hello?"

"Hello! Is this Jody Easler?"

"Yes. Who is this?"

"Jeanne Garvis. I have a question: What would happen to your body if it were set on fire?"

"What?"

"I'm kidding! I wouldn't send you… Probably. But I do need to know. I know how humans react to fire, but robots are a mystery. So, how would a robot react if it were set on fire?"

"Are you implying that I am a robot?"

"Implying? Was it not supposed to be obvious?"

"…"

"Jody? You there?"

"…Yes."

"Good! Like I was saying, what I would really prefer is a drone if I could get one. Any chance you could work on that? Oh! I didn't say why yet, did I? Best to just show you. Meet me at the burnt abandoned supermarket at twilight. You'll be there, right? For Laura's sake."

"For Laura? I'll be there."

"Ja, mata ne!"

;;;;;;;

Jeanne showed Jody the portal. In the end she had to believe what her own eyes were showing her. Jody acquired the equipment they'd need to map the area through her government connections. They sent through a test drone. As Jeanne feared, the portal closed as soon as the drone went through. They lost all contact with the drone. Jody tried to regain contact, even going as far as using NASA satellites to find the drone, but nothing. Then Jeanne tried to place a pole through the portal in order to keep it open. That worked, but Jody still lost the signal whenever a drone flew through the portal. Jody suggested that they set up a base somewhere relatively safe on the other side, then she could use the drones to map the area. They tried many locations, but one location smelled of excrement, another overlooked a pit of reptiles and dragons attacking hordes of bloodied humans, another area was experiencing a storm of foul, icy rain. They found an area of relative calm near a group of monks dressed in orange who slowly and ceaselessly were marching inside a pit.

"They're too slow to attack us, so this should be fairly safe. Let's set up here." Jeanne decided.

"Jeanne, you should stay on the other side of the portal. If, somehow, the portal closed while we were here, who would look after your daughter?" Jody said.

Jeanne looked troubled. "Yes, but… You're right. But, it feels wrong, having you be the only one in danger."

"Do not worry. Like you said, I am a robot. I am programmed to help and protect humans. You are more in my way here than helpful." Jody said while lifting some heavy equipment.

Jeanne hesitated, then said. "If the portal closes, I will come looking for you."

"Please don't bother."

"I will!" Jeanne yelled. The monks closest to them looked in their direction. They began whispering to each other. The whispers didn't sound malicious, but Jeanne still felt uneasy. "Can you hear what they're saying? Are we in danger?"

Jody put her hand over Jeanne's mouth and listened. "…No. But it is strange. They are wondering whether we are alive. Is not everyone here breathing and moving? But…" Jody gasped. "It can't be… I recognize some of these faces! They were great televangelists, influential pastors, cult leaders. Jeanne, all of these people have died!"

A shiver went down Jeanne's spine. But the creeping unease she felt turned to terror when she saw a face that she recognized. "It's Laura!" She screamed, pointing towards a figure still far down the line that had stopped and was staring at them with her mouth open. Her stark white face contrasted sharply with her raven colored hair. Like all of the figures in the procession, she had streams of tears running down her face.

"Laura!" Jody cried out in relief. She ran and picked Laura up in a crushing hug. "Wow, these robes are really heavy. Do you need help getting out of them?"

"No." The answer came quickly. "Leave. I see the way is still open." She took a slow and agonizing step away from them.

Jeanne closed the distance. "Come with us. Even if you're dead, can't you still come through the portal?"

"No! Don't take me back!" Laura cried. Fresh tears began to fall. "I belong here, in Malebolge. …There's a solace, in a way, in receiving just punishment for my crimes, and I want nothing more than to stay here and let justice have her way."

"What crimes?" Jody asked.

"If you were dead, we would have the eternity to recite them all. But you two still have your lives to live. Is it not enough for you to know that this is where Minos has deemed an apt place to put a sinner such as I?"

"Look, I don't understand what you're trying to say, but Deanna's worried about you. So stop the theatrics and just come home." Jeanne said.

Laura shook her head. She turned her head away from them, and her body slowly followed after. For the next five minutes they watched Laura as she ran away from them. She made it about fifteen steps before Jeanne got bored of it and ordered Jody to take Laura's robe off and carry her through the portal. Jody obeyed. But as soon as the robe was off, Laura transformed. From her head two black horns began growing back, out, then curled. Her fingers became elongated and sharp talons replaced what was once normal nails. Out of her back something was protruding. The protrusions grew longer than Laura's arms. Then they unfurled into a pair of leathery wings more like bat wings than anything else. When Laura opened her mouth, her teeth had become fangs. Everyone shrieked.

"Don't look at me!" Laura cried, shielding herself with her wings.

"Oni mitai!" Jeanne yelled, eyes wide.

"How!?" Jody screamed. "What are you!?"

They couldn't see anything but the wings that covered her. They were quivering. A small voice said, "Something disgusting. I hurt people. That's my existence."

"Who have you hurt? You never hurt my Emily, did you?" Jeanne asked angrily.

"Not…" The wings shuddered. They could hear Laura crying. "I lied to her. I told her that God was too small to love everyone. I sowed the seeds of hating and belittling others in children's hearts. I taught that the world was a dark, cruel place. But the reason it's dark and cruel is because of people like me!"

"So, what? You learned it's not cruel? So, just tell her the new thing you learned. I'm sure you didn't mean to teach her something that's not true." Jody said, kneeling next to Laura.

Laura jerked back her wing and they saw her shake her head as she scooted away from them. "No! You don't understand. You _really_ don't understand. I'm a demon. I've been one since before the fall of man. My father is Satan. Yes, THE Satan, the Prince of darkness. Do you understand now? Every bad thing I've done was deliberate. I chose to teach your children lies. I am evil!"

"Laura…" Jody reached out her hand to Laura.

"Stay back!" Laura swiped her claws at Jody. "Just… Leave! Please leave me alone!"

"No. That's not happening." Jeanne got in front of Laura and put her hands on Laura's shoulders. "What I said the other day about you being the best teacher Emily has ever had is still true. Maybe the only reason you weren't afraid of Emily is because you always saw yourself as a worse monster. Even if you were teaching her lies, you made her feel normal in your class. Don't you understand how much of a gift that was? Do you regret that?"

Laura refused to look at either of them. "I should. Stop trying to give me hope that I'm somehow better than I am. I said to leave! So just, obey!" Her voice grew deep. It resonated through Jeanne's being. "I want you to leave. Tell Emily that she shouldn't miss me. And Deanna… Tell her that anyone would make a better friend than me, so she shouldn't be afraid of making friends because she's already survived the worst friendship. Now, like I said, I want you to leave!"

Jeanne obeyed. Jody reluctantly followed.


	14. Hopeless Sympathy

Author's Notes: Honestly my favorite section so far. My characters are choosing to be better people. I'm so proud of them!

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Jody had just finished showing Deanna everything she had recorded about what happened on the other side of the mirror. Then they left, leaving Deanna with much to think about. Laura… Was a demon. Sweet, helpful, dutiful Laura had been a demon this whole time. And it sounded like Laura really had been her childhood teacher, like her mother had once suspected. So… her childhood teacher who she had confided in and had been more her friend than any of her peers… Was a demon – a creature to be reviled and feared.

But…

No. "Every bad thing I've done was deliberate." She had said. "I am evil." She had said. She gave examples. She had taught Deanna and her children lies. Every choice was designed in order to send more people into hell.

But…

There had been so much hopelessness in her voice. And Deanna, despite everything, felt sympathy for her. Even though it was just a video, Laura's pain was still so palpable. Deanna wanted to be horrified; she wanted to hate the disgusting creature she had seen. But Laura had said she had no hope. Well, her words were, "Stop trying to give me hope." Pedantry aside, didn't Deanna know how that felt? When her mother never took her side when her friends broke her dolls, when her father always dismissed her thoughts, when Rick just patted her on the head instead of them sharing their concerns, when her children wouldn't listen to her and she resorted to spanking them, when the only way she thought she could go home to her time was to make this world so hostile to her family that her husband would be forced to move them, and just two days ago when she learned that the time-traveling device was stolen. Everywhere she turned she had felt that crushing hopelessness. And to see that same despair in someone else, how could she not sympathize? More importantly, how could she abandon someone who was so like herself?

 _How can I think Laura is like me? She's a demon! Isn't the advice she gave me to give up on people who hurt me even if only once wrong? Isn't her guidance the reason I've always been so lonely? Didn't her teachings cause me to be afraid of everyone? To even see God as hostile? I don't even know who God is! Laura was supposed to teach me! And even if I could forgive her for what she's done to me, what about my children? How can I ever forgive someone who's harmed them!?_

But… Deanna still wanted to forgive Laura. That wasn't wrong, was it? i _Do I even know what right and wrong is? Laura had taught me that, too._ But… Laura had still been a shoulder for her to cry on. When Deanna had needed to vent about Rick… i _Oh, speaking of that time… Terry Pipkins._ He still had the device. Rick had said he had seen Terry had turned into some sort of shadowy bat before Rick lost consciousness. Was Terry also a demon? _Whether he is or not, Laura must know_ If Laura was really as repentant as she seemed in that video, then she had to help Deanna get it back. Would Laura see it that way? And would Deanna be able to trust her even if she were willing to help? Did Deanna even have a choice? _If I could hold something over her, or threaten her…_ Wait, what? Where did that thought come from? _I've never threatened anyone! …Except my kids, I guess, with a spanking. …I don't think spanking Laura in order to get her to do what I want would work even if she weren't a demon. Either I'm able to trust her, or I can't. There's no middle. But if I don't choose to trust her now, a device that can travel to any time and place is going to stay in the hands of someone who's most likely a demon and has an eternity to figure out how it works. …Damn._

;;;;;;;

Deanna snuck out of the hospital that night. They had wanted her to stay put for fear of infection from the burns, but Deanna couldn't wait. Luckily, Jeanne and Jody had left most of their equipment in the kitchen-closet after they had found Laura – including a fire-proof suit. Deanna put it on. Through some great luck it only took Deanna three trips through the portal before she spotted the horde of monks. "Laura! Laura, where are you!?" Deanna cried.

"I thought I told you to leave!" A voice snarled. Even though it was more ferocious than Deanna had heard it before, she recognized it as that of Laura's. She turned to the direction of the voice and saw a creature that looked like a grotesque mockery of her once sweet friend. But Deanna recognized her friend nevertheless.

"Laura! I'm so glad I found you!" Deanna walked closer to Laura, but stopped just out of reach of Laura's grasp.

"Deanna? Isn't that Jeanne's suit? What are you doing here? Didn't you get Jeanne's message?" Laura asked, bewildered.

"Yes. Jody showed me a video. Did you know she's an android? I'm not even sure what that is, but Jeanne said an android's kind of like a computer that has an AI…? And they look like humans. Anyway, Jody recorded y'all when y'all were talking." _Should I have told her that? Why can't I have a filter when I'm around her? Why do I want to trust her?_

Laura looked thoughtful. "She's an android? _That's_ why she doesn't have a soul! Thanks for telling me. …Now leave."

"No. I need to talk to you."

"Why? Why would you want anything to do with me? Don't you know what I've done? Tell me, Deanna, what have I done?" Laura demanded.

Deanna looked away. "You lied to me and my son about God and about relationships."

"So you have some little idea. Why would you be glad to find me?"

"Because… Because without you I have no hope. And, I can't imagine that the woman who would always listen to all of my problems – both when I was a child and an adult – has never felt sympathy for me. And, when I saw the video, I felt sympathy for you. I couldn't- I can't believe you're completely hopeless. So-"

Laura started laughing. "Of course I'm hopeless! God himself threw me to this place of torment! You're really not going to give up on me when God has? You're an idiot."

"But," Deanna looked towards the portal. "Hell has an exit."

"But heaven has no entrance for me."

"So you'll deprive everyone else of their hope? Is that what you really want?"

"…It was."

"Now?"

Laura scraped her claws across her arms. "I don't want to hurt anyone. I want to stay here and receive the punishment for my crimes."

"Then this is a hell of your own making." Deanna said decisively. Then she sighed. "But must you take my hope? …I need to tell you a secret that I have been keeping for the past twenty years. Or, over 150 years, depending on how you look at it." Deanna trembled. It felt like she was betraying Rick's trust, but, she couldn't do anything about that now. "Rick's a time traveler and his time traveling device was taken by someone who he said looked like Terry Pipkins and I think Terry might also be a demon but I don't know but I figured you would and even if he's not he has some sort of super power because Rick said Terry turned into a bat and especially if he is a demon I can't fight him I don't even know where to look for him so please help me!"

Laura became rigid. "Terry took the time traveling device? Oh no… Well, I'm not his girlfriend right now so he hasn't used it…"

"It's a very complicated machine."

"But no, he wouldn't have kept it. Father cursed Terry to obey him and I know Father has been wanting the device. There's still demons in hell so Father hasn't used it to take over heaven. It must be very complicated if Father hasn't figured it out. We still have time."

"Wait, you'll really help me get it back?" Deanna asked hopefully.

Laura was silent. "I don't think I could live with myself if I don't. So yes."

"Thank you!" Deanna hugged Laura.

"Get off." Laura pushed Deanna away. "First Jody tries hugging me, now you? Since when have I ever been a hugger?" She groaned.

"Well, I just learned that you're a demon. Maybe you've been a hugger this whole time too?"

"…No."

"Worth a try!" Deanna laughed.


	15. The Crow Returns

Author's Notes: I finally finished the story! Now I just need to upload the rest of it here. I really wanted to have heaven at least appear, so I did.

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After Laura made sure Deanna went home and moving her closet-kitchen somewhere less conspicuous than the middle of a burnt-out supermarket, Laura went to see her father. She needed to know what he had heard about her movements for the last few days and to gauge how close he might be to unlocking the device's functions. She knew enough to think he wouldn't do anything rash towards her even if he had heard every word of the conversations she had had with Deanna, Jeanne, and Jody. And she believed, if given the chance, she could convince him that she was just trying to make her human friends think they were still able to trust her after they learned she was a demon. After all, she really hadn't wanted them to find out, so how else could she get humans to trust her after they learned she was a demon except by making them think she wanted to repent of being a demon? _Yes. That makes sense._ She thought hopefully as she entered the throne room. Satan was sitting on his throne holding a strange cubed-shaped device that both looked perfectly ordinary and did things spatially in a way that gave Laura a headache. By the scowl on Satan's face, she wasn't the only one that couldn't make sense of what her eyes were seeing. He looked up towards her and his face broke out into a smile. "There you are, daughter! I was wondering when you would come home. Where have you been?" He asked innocently. _Father saying anything innocently? He knows. Tell as much of the truth as you can, Laura, leave out the important bits._

"I was hiding among the hypocrites, father. I figured no one would think to look for me there. After Possidebit-" Laura choked, "I needed some time to myself."

"You wanted to be alone so you joined a crowd of people? That makes sense, Laura. And how are you feeling now?" He asked, placing the cube on the arm of his throne.

"Still… I came back because I heard that you have allowed Possidebit to work for you again." Laura said in a way that expressed her clear disapproval.

"Ah. Yes, I can see how that might upset you. But be assured that he isn't allowed to disobey me and I have forbidden him to hurt you. You know how powerful my curses are. I can curse just about anyone to obey me. But anyway, look at what he has been able to do already for me! He brought me the device!" Satan said excitedly. He held it out to her. "Take a look."

Laura took the device from his hand. She had half a mind to run off with the device then and there, but… _Where would I go? There's no place on earth outside of Father's reach. If I could figure out – right now – how the device works…_ But no matter which way she twisted it nothing made sense, and the headache she got from looking at it did nothing but add to her frustration.

"Judging by the look on your face, you can't figure it out at all either?" Satan held out his hand to take the device back. Laura hesitated for a moment, then returned it to his hand. He put it in a normal box next his throne and closed the lid. "I'm going to go mad if I continue looking at that thing." He muttered. He gazed at Laura speculatively. He opened his mouth as if to ask her a question, then stopped himself. Instead, he said. "I think I'm going to need Rick Thomas. Laura, you are in a particularly well-positioned place to bring him to me. Will you do it?"

"How do you mean, father?" Laura asked. She placed her head in her hands. She was still experiencing a headache from looking so long at that thing.

"I know everything that transpired between you and your 'friends' while they were in hell. It should be easy for you to recruit them for a rescue mission with the objective to retrieve the device. That is what you were planning, was it not? Rick would have to be a part of that mission. You know there is no place in the present where you could hide the device, so he'd have to use it to travel to sometime else." Satan spelled out. "You need to give your human friends hope that a rescue mission is possible. Then, when they arrive here and Rick uses the device, I'll be there. I will see how the device works."

Laura listened. She wanted to ask what he would do if she were to tell her friends of his plans, or what would he do if she didn't go along with what he wanted. But the way he had worded things, she couldn't tell if he thought her loyalties still lay with him or not. She definitely didn't want to be cursed the same way Possidebit had been, and she was afraid that if she didn't choose to obey him now, he'd force her to obey him. So, for now, she merely said, "Yes, father. I'll bring them here. Is there anything else?"

"No, daughter. You may leave."

Laura left.

;;;;;;;

There was still a chance for Satan to figure out the device without Rick, but after what Laura had seen, that chance seemed negligible. So there was time for Deanna to recover from her burns before they tried a rescue mission. Deanna had a party at her and Rick's new place to celebrate once she recovered. Everyone Deanna knew had been invited – even Cooper.

"Laura! I have missed you!" He said to her with the stupidest grin she had ever seen.

Laura merely nodded and took a step back. _Ugh, I know I told Deanna that I didn't want to hurt anyone anymore, but I really want to take Cooper along on the rescue mission and leave him to be tortured in hell. Could that really be wrong? He's a demon who deserves hell anyway – even if he's forgotten that. Now, what would be a good torture? Should he be boiled? Or should he be attacked by harpies?_ She smiled as she imagined Cooper in a variety of different agonies.

Cooper took her smile as an invitation to continue talking. "I think it has been pretty clear for a long time that I have been interested in you—really interested, it would be fair to say. But, you were reserved about everything—for an obvious reason named Terry." Laura nodded – not really listening to Cooper, but approving of an image of Cooper being flayed. "And I tried to honor the loyalty you showed to him, even though my feelings toward you were increasing just about every time I saw you."

Laura stopped Cooper from talking with a kiss. "Cooper," She asked quietly, "Do you love me enough to follow me to hell-"

"-And back? Yes! Laura, this may break all speed records of all time. But I love you with all of my heart, and I know I want to marry you. Will you be my wife?"

 _This conversation is so insipid. But I feel like it could be so, so much worse. At least he didn't go on about loyalty, or about suing people for malpractice for not telling him to remain emotionally pure._ Laura gagged at the thought of how such a conversation might go. She tried to turn her gag into laughter as she coyingly told Cooper she may consider marrying him after he meets her father. _Anything to bring you with me to hell._

;;;;;;;

"You're recruiting Cooper for the rescue mission? Really?" Satan texted Laura.

"He's annoying. Figured I could use him as a meat shield." Laura replied back.

"Not necessary, but maybe being in hell will jog his memory."

"Yeah. Sure. That's why I'm bringing him "

"Hah. You know we're known for our altruism 😉. But I'll arrange for Invidia to meet you. She was his girlfriend at one time, after all."

"Sounds good, father."

Despite her flippant tone, Laura was worried. He had obviously texted her to let her know that he was watching her every move. If she didn't go along with the rescue mission, she just knew he would curse her like he did with Possidebit. Call it paranoia, but there was no way she could trust Satan. Maybe, maybe she should get help from the other side. _After all, there's no way He'd approve of father being able to time-travel either. But… Hell's inferno, how could I ask Him? But do I have any hope without Him?_

;;;;;;;

Laura knew how Satan was keeping tabs on her. The system was fallible, theoretically. Any system that used humans was prone to fallacy. In short, Satan used those who could traditionally be called ghosts – or specters – to, well, spectate. Earth was saturated with them. True, there were many souls in hell and no few in heaven, but there was also a large number who were not yet ready to pass on to either place. Either they were waiting for their loved ones to join them before journeying on, or they were racked with regret over the missed opportunities to do good in their lifetime, or, increasingly, they refused to move on until their favorite books series or TV show had ended. Really, there were as many reasons as there were people. The dead were so much of the humdrum and background of life on earth that Laura had mastered tuning out their presence long ago. Specters usually weren't allowed to interfere with the living beyond being general nuisances who hid remotes in couch cushions and collected everyone's left sock, so it was easy to overlook them.

Luckily, they tended to stay nearer the ground. Oh, There were a fair few who'd float out as far as the moon – but just to get a better look at the earth. The whole point of being a specter is that you weren't willing to leave the earth quite yet, after all.

After Laura flew past the moon, none of the specters who Satan had tasked to keep tabs on her were willing to continue following her. Laura continued flying. The stars around her streamed past in a motley array of lights. More stars joined. Everything grew brighter until up ahead and all around her was nothing but a bright light. Then she emerged.

MAJESTY

GLORY

HOLINESS

Words seared across her brain as she took in merely the gated entrance into heaven. Laura fell to her knees. She was kneeling on – the closest earth equivalent would be cloud – but this substance was pure, soft, fluffy, and it garnered in her the feeling one gets when seeing a happy puppy. Laura puked. Someone kneeled down next to her to pat her on the back. "Do you want me to get you anything?" A man's voice asked gently.

"N-no. Just, give me a moment to get used to everything. I'll be okay." Laura answered weakly. She looked up into the face of a dark-skinned Middle-Eastern man with a beard.

"I'm Cephas." The man said. "What's your name?"

"I'm Laura. But I was once known as Illecebra." Laura said, wishing to see the man's reaction.

Cephas took a step back as if he'd been burned. "I know that name." He spat. "You and your teachings have done much to harm the good news of the church that I helped lay the foundations for. Why are you here?" He asked angrily.

Laura winced. Her own guilt rolled over her, but she couldn't focus on that now. She needed to get help. Laura said, "To warn you. What do you know of Rick and Deanna Thomas?" Cephas started. It was clear she had hit a nerve. "Ah, so you do know something. Do you know that they're time-travelers? They have this device that can travel through time. I've held it. My fa- Satan has it now. I'm here to- to. That is, I need-"

"Help? You're asking for help?" He asked, still glowering.

"…Yes."

"You thought you'd just stroll into heaven and ask for help, after you've spent thousands of years fighting for everything we stand against. If we came to you for help, would you ever give it?"

"I…" If he had asked that question a week ago, she'd have laughed at the very idea of helping a citizen of heaven. Internally, that is, she would have laughed. Externally she'd have smiled at him sweetly and told him that _of course_ she'd help him; she'd have told him anything if she thought it would help her get him to do what she wanted. But now, the whole reason she had been punishing herself in hell was because of her lies. How could she continue to do something that made her feel so guilty? "I…" She tried to tell him the truth, but she realized she didn't know what that was either. Was helping someone else really so unlike her? She was doing that right now, wasn't she? What did it matter to her if Satan took over everything? Pragmatically speaking, as his daughter, she'd be getting a net gain. The reason she was even at heaven's gates was so that her friends wouldn't suffer under Satan's rule. Laura didn't know how to answer Cephas' question.

"…I see. Of course you wouldn't." He sighed. "Well, I'm not like you. So I'll bring your request to Jesus. Wait here, please." Cephas ordered.

Laura nodded. She scooted a distance away from her puke and closed her eyes, unable to look at perfection. She could still hear strains of it from a distance though. The lilt of an angelic choir, the laughter of joyful cherubs, the voices of two men arguing. …Wait, what? Laura honed in on them. "Yeah, but the wall grows back. So how can it really be bad to mine the walls for jewels when it doesn't actually do any damage?" The higher-pitched voice said.

"But you're still taking jewels from the wall! That's inherently wrong!" The other voice said. Laura noticed that the voice sounded closer.

"Don't see how it's wrong when it don't hurt nobody." The higher-pitched voice said.

"Look, your intent is still bad. It's still wrong to take something that doesn't belong to you." These voices were definitely getting closer. Surely they must be able to see her by now?

"Yeah, well, you're wrong! And I don't have to listen to you! …Self-righteous prick acting like he's never done anything wrong. Well, I guess he hasn't, but-" The voice bumped into her. Apparently, he hadn't seen her. "Oops! Sorry, miss! Say, you look a bit different from the other stiffs around here. What's your name?"

Laura opened her eyes and saw a strange creature with black crow feathers instead of body hair. She raised her eyebrow in a way as if to say, 'Were you cursed? Or were you just cursed with a terrible sense for aesthetics?' But what she actually said was, "Laura."

"Nice to meet you! I'm known as The Crow, but you can call me Crowliciously Beautiful." Laura stared. "Anyway, what'cha doing out here? Most folks are eager to just run right in the moment they get this far. Me? My friend was just seeing me off. This place is nice and all, but I got my own place. It's a real cozy little pocket dimension where I'm never bothered by anyone unless I want to be. It's great!" Crowli- The Crow said all in one breath.

"That sounds nice. You must be pretty popular for you to need to get your own pocket dimension just to get away from people. How often do you get visitors?" Laura asked innocently.

"Er, well, often enough. Anyway, what brings you here?"

"I'm just waiting for Cephas to get back from talking to Jesus." Laura said. "Oh! There he is now!"

"What's up, Cephas?" The Crow said.

"Oh… It's you again." Cephas said unenthusiastically. He turned to Laura. "I talked to Jesus. He explained the situation to me more fully and, as strange as this is to say to a demon, I hope you succeed. But Jesus doesn't want to… He kept going on about a 'defining character moment' and how much of a shame it would be to rob you of that." Cephas said apologetically.

"What!? How could He think I have any hope without Him?" Laura fumed.

"…It sounds so wrong to hear a demon say that. But, I understand you. I hate it when He gets like that, too. But once He's made up His mind… I'll try to get Moses or Mary to talk to Him. Everything will work out, Laura, you'll see." Cephas tried to give a comforting smile, but it was more of a wince. "Nope. Can't do it. Can't smile at a demon." He muttered while walking away.

Laura moaned. "I don't know why I thought coming here was a good idea."

"H-hey!" The Crow awkwardly patted her on the back. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Hah!" Laura snorted. But The Crow looked serious. "You really want to help? Could we use your pocket dimension as a base of operations? You don't get specters there, right?"

"Specters? Like ghosts? No."

"Perfe-." Laura stopped herself. Her puke from everything being prefect had already disappeared. "Goo-" _Can't use that word either._ She thought, looking around with disgust at the place that was goodness perfected. "That shall be serviceable." She said.


	16. Planning and Preparations

Author's Notes: The Crow's fun to write for.

;;;;;;;

Laura said she found a place where they wouldn't be overheard by Satan's specter- er- spectators. Things. Deanna didn't really understand it, but she trusted Laura, so if Laura said they could talk freely at this new location about how they would take the device from Satan, then so be it. Her trust only slightly wavered when Laura told her that Cooper would be joining them on their quest. Thankfully, he wouldn't be there as they discussed plans. (Laura said he was being a good, upstanding Christian by using questionable tactics to filibuster a Supreme Court nominee. Deanna didn't understand that, either; they didn't seem like things that'd go together.) The people who would be there would be Deanna, Laura, Rick, Jody, Jeanne, and Laura's new friend, The Crow.

They decided to meet at Jeanne's house, then The Crow would teleport them to his house. The Crow arrived 15 minutes late, covered in glitter. He never mentioned why, and Deanna didn't want to ask him for fear of offending him by insinuating that such a thing was weird. Laura complimented the 3-piece suit he was wearing, so obviously he had tried to dress up.

The Crow ordered everyone to hold hands in a circle. Nothing happened at first, but then little downy feathers started falling on the group. Jeanne sneezed when one fell on her nose. Larger feathers followed, the wind picked up, and Deanna felt a sensation like she was being lifted off, flying through the air. Or maybe it was more like falling off a cliff. Wait, which way was down? She couldn't see anything through the feathers that were swirling all around her. Rick screamed but he was muffled as feathers flew into his mouth. The feeling stopped. The feathers fell to the ground. They were in a room that looked as if it was made by intertwined twigs and beads of diamonds, but it was hard to tell because of all of the gold and jewels that covered the walls. Michael Jackson's glove was displayed over the mantle of the fireplace. Rick was still coughing up feathers. The Crow just shook his head and picked up a broom lying against the wall. He opened the front door and swept the feathers out of the room. Deanna looked out and saw nothing but space and stars. "Please don't step outside, everyone, unless you want to be falling through space for an average of 62 years. It may be fun at first, but I promise you it does get boring."

Laura nodded her head in agreement. "He's right; falling is boring. Especially if you're stuck next to Mammon who won't stop crying that he can't look at golden streets anymore."

"What?" Rick choked out.

"Don't worry about it." Deanna said. She had told Rick that Laura was a supernatural creature, and that Terry was a demon who had taken his time-traveling device to Satan, but she couldn't bring herself to tell him that Laura herself was a demon. _Deanna_ knew Laura could be trusted; so why throw unnecessary doubt her way? Especially now when everyone needed to work together in order to succeed?

"We're here. Now, down to business-" Jody began.

"No, no!" The Crow interrupted. "Please, it's been so long since I've had guests. Sit. Sit! I'll make us some tea and cakes, then we can discuss our options." He pushed Jody down onto the couch and left the room. Laura sat next to Jody. Rick sat across from them, watching Laura intently. Jeanne stood next to the fireplace. Deanna sat next to her husband. She noticed that the couch was stuffed with feathers.

Jody was fidgeting, "Rick, I've been meaning to ask you how the time-traveling device works. Can you shed some light on it?"

"Well, I didn't make it," Rick said. "But, I guess I'm able to give you a general idea of how it works." He delved into a long and complicated lecture that the others listened to intently, asking questions all the while. Deanna had gotten lost almost immediately. While Rick was talking Deanna got up and started pacing the length of the room. Eventually she whispered to Laura, "Do you think The Crow is the sort of person to have a restroom?"

"It's possible. Why don't you go ask him? He said he'd just be in the kitchen." Laura whispered. Deanna looked at her. "Do you want me to go with you?" Laura sighed. Deanna nodded. "I'm sorry, but what your husband is telling us could be really important. You'll be fine! Just make sure there's ground underneath before you step into any new rooms."

"Okay." She squared her shoulders and walked through the door The Crow had used. The door slammed shut behind her. Deanna was in a short hallway. She could hear someone whistling happily from the other end. _That must be where The Crow is._ Deanna walked towards the noise. "Umm, excuse me? Could you tell me where the restroom is?" She called out.

The whistling stopped. "Door on your left."

"Thank you!" When Deanna was done with the restroom, she figured she'd offer to help The Crow in the kitchen. _It's only polite to ask, right?_ When Deanna walked into the kitchen, The Crow was busy taking something out of the oven. Deanna stood there for a moment watching him, decided he really didn't look like he needed any help, then turned to leave. That's when she saw her. Deanna screamed.

"Deanna!" She heard Rick yell as he barreled into the room with the others following him.

"Rick!" She held him close and closed her eyes tight.

"You! What did you do to my wife?" Rick yelled at The Crow.

"I didn't do anything! She just came in here and started screaming!" The Crow said, looking confused.

"It might have something to do with the dead body you have sitting at that table." Jeanne pointed towards her – the body of a woman with long, perfectly curled silver hair. She had mummified long ago, and she looked towards them with an eternally mischievous expression on her face.

"…Why do you have a dead body in your kitchen?" Laura's voice was dark and angry. Deanna peeked out and saw that Laura's hand were beginning to elongate into claws. She hoped Rick didn't notice.

"That- She's my wife. She's only a human, but I know you humans stop talking and moving eventually, then another you shows up at a different place – a you that will never stop talking and moving. I think you call it death. The wife that can talk to me is with my friend – the friend you met, Laura. The talking wife said she doesn't care what I do with this one so long as it's nothing weird. I'm not sure what she means, so I haven't touched this wife. I know you humans like to hide people who don't talk or move anymore away underground – or you burn them. It would be a shame to burn my wife's beautiful hair, though. …Is it weird? Her just sitting at the table? Sitting's a normal thing to do, right?" The Crow looked deeply concerned.

"What friend is he talking about?" Jody asked Laura.

"A resident of heaven. His wife's soul is in heaven." Laura rubbed the bridge of her nose, obviously trying to think of a tactful way to answer The Crow.

"How long has she been sitting here?" Jeanne walked over to get a closer look at the body.

"I don't know. A while?" The Crow said.

Rick was staring at the body. "Deanna, let's go to the other room. We need to talk – privately."

"Okay."

Rick and Deanna went back to the room with the fireplace. "Deanna, I think it might be best to destroy the time-traveling device. These immortal beings aren't like us, and _we_ can't keep it safe from them. If we disappear after getting the device, Satan will always be watching us in the future. And even if we do time-travel to the past, eventually we'll die, or we'll mess up and he'll realize we're time-travelers like he did in this time. And even if our children were to continue to keep the device in a time before 2005, – at some point, someone's going to mess up. It will come back to a time where Satan knows about the device, he'll take it, and the world will be doomed. But if we were to entrust it to someone like Laura… I can't trust them. They're too different from us. The Crow was married to a human and he still doesn't understand something as common to us as death. And I know Laura's your friend, but there's something dark about her. …What do you think?"

"You want to _destroy_ it?" Deanna cried.

"Yeah… I don't like it either. But can you think of anything better?"

"I… no. But… Rick, I've been wanting to go home, to Georgia, to when we left, ever since this case started. But, I don't want to completely leave my life here either. I just started making friends, and… If I had just told you I wanted to go home before now! I kept thinking you would never agree to it."

"Deanna," Rick sighed, "I'm sorry. I should have tried understanding you better."

"Yes. But now… Oh Rick, I can't be selfish. When I look at The Crow's wife, it's clear how short our lives are compared to theirs. When we die, it's going to be people like him and Laura who will have to live with whether we destroy the device or not. Should we not be trying to make a better future for them?"

Rick laughed. "You're too good for them. So, I guess we're in agreement. I'll destroy the device, if we're able to get to it. It should be easy once I get my hands on it. If Satan kills us after we destroy it, then so be it." Deanna nodded grimly in agreement.

;;;;;;;

"It is finished." Jesus said to Cephas. Cephas looked at him in confusion. "The meeting, that is, is finished. I know you wanted updates on what's happening with them, so I'm telling you. The meeting started off with Rick and Deanna telling the group that they're time-travelers, and Laura confessed that she was a demon." Jesus smiled. "I'm proud of them. Their secrets shouldn't hold the same power over them now that they're no longer secrets. Anyway, then Laura told the group that Satan's expecting Rick and Deanna to use the device as soon as they're holding it in order to escape from hell. Rick told the group that he could destroy it instead, and that's what he's planning to do once he gets his hands on it. He's expecting to die from Satan's wrath as soon as he destroys it. He begged Deanna and Jeanne to stay home so that their kids would still have mothers, but they refused. The Crow was confused about why dying would keep them from being mothers. Laura tried to explain the separation that happens in death. The Crow sort of understood, but then he volunteered to be their children's mother if they do die and Jeanne told him she didn't want him being her daughter's mother after her. So The Crow got offended and the conversation derailed a bit when The Crow asked Jeanne to leave through the front door. Laura eventually smoothed everything over. Are you following so far?"

"Yes," Cephas said, "So they have an endgame, what about how to get there?"

"Laura told the group that she's not worried about that. Satan wants them to get to the device, after all. Whatever he has planned won't be impossible. Laura told the group that Satan's planning on placing Invidia in the path, to see how Cooper reacts. But that's all she knows. She told everyone to act like they're packing for a trip where they need to consider every eventuality, since Satan isn't to know that Laura told the group as much as she did; they feel like they're as prepared as they'll ever be. Do you have any more questions, Cephas?"

"You know the answer to that." Cephas said.

"Yes, but it's still polite of me to ask." Jesus said.

"Then, yes. One more question: Will you intervene if things go south?"

Jesus just smiled. "You'll see what happens."

;;;;;;;

"Are we all ready?" Jody asked the group.

"My cousins came over from Japan to help look after Emily while I'm gone. If I don't come back, they're to take Emily home with them. And in my bag I brought fireproof suits for everyone, space food, along with a few tools and weapons I had lying around." Jeanne said.

"My children are with my parents. I brought some jackets in case anyone gets cold, enough homemade sandwiches for two meals for everyone, some water bottles, some pots and pans, um, that could be used as weapons? Rick wanted to carry most of the items." Deanna said.

"I brought my best tools and knives. I'm also carrying the rest of the jackets, a couple tents, and some meat for grilling. …What? Everyone says my BBQ meat is the best they've ever had. We could use it as a form of bartering!" Rick said defensively.

"Right… Well, I brought a handheld mirror that I can use to get whatever I might need from home. That's all I have." Laura said.

"I brought my feathers." The Crow said. "And, er, Cooper? Was it? What did you bring?"

"I brought my camping equipment! And a picture of the love of my life!" He held out a picture of his car, "She changes color in the sunlight! Also a golf bag with golf sticks because Laura said her father likes golf."

"Cooper… Does your camping equipment really only consist of one piece of wood, a can of beans, and a tarp?" Jeanne asked.

"Yeah, why?"

Jeanne patted Cooper's shoulder in sympathy, "Jody, what did you bring?"

"My body is a weapon. But I'm also bringing this comically large container of water. The water's clean enough for drinking and it can be used to put out fires!" Jody said.

"So, I guess this is it. Are we all ready then?" Laura asked. Everyone nodded. "Okay guys, here we go! Let's go meet my father!"


	17. The Forgotten Family of Cooper Stone

Author's Note: Do you think there's enough fire in my hell?

;;;;;;

Usually, Laura's mirror would open a portal to a random part of hell. It was a bug, not a feature. But since it was only Laura who ever used it, and it never took her any longer than a few minutes to get to any part of hell, she never went to get it fixed. But, as part of Satan's plan, she had had to. Satan had gone with her so that he could input his decision on where the portal would open. While they were waiting for it to get fixed Satan had tried to make small talk. It was awkward. Everyone had been staring at them. Satan, with his large, black, curling horns and glowing red eyes, asking a very human-looking demon how her children were doing, and said demon telling him that her children were growing up to be kind and selfless. "You're not doing your job." He had admonished. Laura had shrugged.

Now, looking at the mirror, the faces surrounding it, Laura cried. She was going home. Most likely she'd run into Rusty, Gula… people she had had many good memories with. She couldn't imagine they'd be able to make many good memories going forward. They'd probably try to, what's a good way to put it? Convert her back to their side. She'd rather she didn't have to run into them, then maybe she could pretend that they'd still get along if she ever were to run into them, somehow, someday. And, it wasn't like she was getting cut off from everyone she knew and loved, but Rusty and Gula had been family. Yes, the friends she had now were wonderful people who cared deeply for her, but they had their own families, and she wasn't a part of them. But, even if she wanted her family, she couldn't go back to how her family simply was. What her family believed and did hurt too many people – and they weren't people that were out there, somewhere, existing almost more like a concept than actual thinking and feeling people – they were people she knew, and loved, and wanted to see thrive. _I have to see this through._ She was glad she wouldn't be going in alone.

Deanna and Rick arrived first. Then Jeanne. Jody arrived promptly at the appointed time hauling Cooper, and The Crow arrived five minutes later. Deanna insisted that they all pray before embarking. They did, and it worked to cheer the humans up. Laura hoped it did some good. Then they went through the portal.

On the other side was a mansion that screamed opulence. It might have actually been screaming, but it might have just been the moat filled with souls surrounding the mansion that were screaming. The roof of the mansion was layered with gold. The fields of grass was made with emeralds. The most elaborate fabrics were used for curtains. Laura recognized the mansion immediately. "This is Invidia's home." She looked towards Cooper to see how he would react.

He had the same childish wonderment in his eyes that he possessed when he looked at his car. "Who is Invidia?" He asked.

"I'm assuming she's the woman walking towards us in the green dress with the high slit on the side." Jody said.

"That's her." Laura said. Deanna covered Rick's eyes with her hand.

Invidia spread her arms wide. "Darling! You're home!" She wrapped her arms around Cooper.

"Darling? Cooper?" Jeanne asked, deeply disturbed.

"Cooper? …Do you still not know that you're Paupertas?" Invidia asked Cooper.

"What is a Pa-… thing?" Cooper asked.

"It's your name, darling! You really don't remember me? The love of your life?" Invidia sounded heartbroken. Laura felt sorry for her, but then she remembered that the one Invidia had just called the love of her life was freaking Cooper.

"How can you be the love of my life? The love of my life is-" He looked towards Laura.

"His car." Laura was quick to say. The last thing she needed was Invidia being jealous of her. "Don't you love how your car shines in the sunlight? You brought a picture of it, didn't you? Wouldn't you like to show the nice lady?"

"Ooh! Yeah! Take a look at my car, pretty lady! The picture doesn't shine like my car does, but it's still pretty!" Cooper pulled the picture out of his breast pocket. He held it in front of him with both hands like an excited toddler showing his mother his macaroni drawing.

"Yes… It's nice. May I see it?" Invidia asked. Cooper handed the photo over. Invidia's eyes began to glow green. "But it's not me!" Green flames engulfed the photo.

"NO!" Cooper screamed in anguish. He tried to grab the photo back, but only managed to burn his hand in the flame.

"Oh dear! I didn't want that!" Invidia cried. She held Cooper's hand in her own. "Here, come inside and I'll heal you. I have the best balms and herbs. The children and I picked them fresh from the fields of Elysium when we heard you would be coming back in a human body."

"The children? Surely they're not Cooper's?" Jeanne asked dubiously.

Invidia smiled. "Yes, they are! a boy and a girl. They're so wonderful and well-behaved. Would you like to meet them?" Invidia answered as she beckoned them into her mansion.

"Well-behaved? That must be nice." Deanna said with a hint of envy. She started to follow Invidia when Laura stopped her.

"We can't. We need to keep moving towards my father's. It's a pleasure seeing you again, Invidia!" Laura waved before pushing Deanna away from the house.

"But what about Cooper? He's got to get healed, right? Surely we can stay long enough for him to be healed. We've got to stay together!" Rick said. He started walking towards the mansion.

"Jody, stop him!" Jody moved in front of Rick and pushed him back. He stopped moving.

"What's wrong with you, Laura? You get to see Cooper whenever you want, even though you're a demon; while I, his one, true, and only love, can only see him from afar. Why are you trying to keep me from him!?" Invidia pushed Cooper hard onto the ground behind her and posed to attack Laura. Cooper whimpered in pain.

Laura held up her hands in surrender. "Look, I don't want to attack you. You can have Cooper – just let me and my friends go."

Invidia looked like she was about to angrily yell at them, but then Cooper's voice was heard from where he sat on the ground. "Am I not a friend?" He asked, looking betrayed.

"Er-" Laura said.

"Well, it's just-" Deanna added.

"Of course not! I mean of course-" Rick… Ricked. Well, he tried. They all did.

"Oh… What wonderful friends you've made, Cooper. Truly, anyone would be envious of such a group. Yes…" Invidia began to float and glow green. She made straight for Laura. Invidia passed through Laura as if she were a ghost and did the same to Deanna, Rick, and the others. She landed right behind Cooper, knelt down, spun Cooper around, and reached out her arm to hold Cooper's face in her hand. Her eyes still glowed green and she had a large smile on her face with just enough extra teeth to make her look uncanny. "Oh ho! I see! Deanna _wanted_ you to fail the case! She had full confidence that you _would_ fail! And Jody hated kissing you! And Jeanne, well, I won't repeat the words she's thinking about you. It would take too long to list all of the complaints she has against you. Rick! oh, you fell so far in Rick's eyes. And then Laura. Sweet, innocent, hypocritical _Laura._ She told you she loved you. You thought you were here to meet her father so that you could ask him for her hand in marriage. But do you know what she told him? She wanted to use you as a _meat-shield_. How… Tragic."

"Wait, how did you-" Laura started to say.

Invidia spoke loudly. "Oh… Haven't you wondered where the children are? Well, you'll see. They're at the next challenge. But for now…" Her voice devolved into a whisper. "What do you think of your 'friends' now, Cooper?"

Cooper's face scrunched up and became red and splotchy. He tried wiping at his face with his burned hand. "Ah!" he cried. "It is- it is all just a ruse! I know Laura loves me; we are meant for each other!" Laura failed to keep herself from gagging. "I… try, you know? I tried working on this case. I have been calling Peter incessantly, been getting favors, been scheming, been everything – even asking random people online to pray for me. I've been so smart. Every tabloid has been wanting us to get together, Laura! I'm Billy Graham in Matt Damon's body, Laura! What's not to love? I… Why can't you love me?" His eyes were piteously large and tears with snot ran down his face.

Laura looked down at him. "I… pity you. The same way I pity a child who just can't grasp how to make the other children want to play with him. Ah! Cooper! Don't interrupt! But with even the most piteous child I can only explain so many times that- Oh, what's a good example? That hugging people who don't want a hug, or putting laxatives in the cookies of your 'enemies' is wrong. Look, there's not understanding something – which I get. Especially as a child there's a lot you're told you ought to understand and some things just fall through the cracks, so to speak; but then there's just plain not listening. And no, acting like you're listening but not doing anything to change your behavior is still not listening. Also, you're not a child. You're an adult and you've been one for a while. I don't know what's wrong with you."

"What are you saying? Did that evil Kadar woman bewitch you to hate me so we'll lose the case?" Cooper asked, his splotchy face becoming red.

"No, Cooper. But this is what I'm talking about! You deflect, you- you get an idea in your head and you're so stubborn that anything that doesn't fit the idea has to be twisted so much that it's unrecognizable. …I think it would be best if you were to stay with Invidia. She wants you. Allfather only knows why…"

"Well…" Invidia said, looking thoughtful. "I liked him when he knew he was stupid and would do anything I said because he thought I was so much smarter than him, but, if he's really not like that anymore, you may keep him, for now." She made a shooing motion with her hands.

"Damn. I am an android who is not supposed to feel emotions and _I_ felt that. That was cold."

"So, wait, is this the end of the first challenge?" Said The Crow, who, when they had arrived, had wandered off on his own to pick the blades of emerald grass and had only returned a moment before.

"I guess? Father basically just told me to intercept you all when you arrived, and he showed me the text messages between Laura and him. We didn't rehearse. More than anything he just wanted to see if Cooper would recognize me. And humans just striding into his throne room just doesn't jive with how he feels like things should be. Laura, I know you know how he gets. He wanted time to set up his throne room just so, to evoke the ultimate horror in the humans. Last I heard he was basically setting it up to look like Bowser's castle from the Mario video games, but he was going through so many ideas it's probably changed a hundred times since then. Anyway, the next challenge is just down the road at the park – near the fire fountain." Invidia pointed to the left. "Oh! You know I should call the children and ask them if they're ready for you. If they aren't, would you like to come in for some tea and cookies? I promise they're just as good as my sisters' cookies!" Invidia said excitedly.

"Thank you for the offer, but if possible we'd like to keep going." Laura said apologetically.

"Right, right, of course." Invidia said before dialing a number on her cell phone. "Hello! Are you ready? …Yes, they're done here. …Yes, your father is coming with them. …No, he didn't recognize me. …I know, Want, I know. I want the same thing. …Well, see you later! Have fun!" She hung up. "The children are ready for you." She gave that same smile that had just a few teeth too many, then went inside and slammed the door. Cooper was still sobbing on the front step.

;;;;;;;

The group walked down the road. The road, believe it or not, was made with gold. Why not, after all? Earth has gold, so heaven obviously doesn't have a monopoly on it. The streets almost looked the same as what Laura remembered from before the fall. If the lighting could've just been replicated, it might have passed for those streets. But even though it looked fake to Laura's eyes… "I never thought hell could be this beautiful!" Deanna said in awe.

"Or this large! Is this still that freakin' green lady's house we're walking next to?" The Crow grumbled.

"Really? we've just started walking." Jeanne rolled her eyes.

"If I had my car, we could all just ride in it." Cooper said. Tear stains were still visible on his face, but he was quickly regaining a sense of his old self.

"Cooper? How many people are in our group?" Jody asked.

"Umm, one, two, five… Wait, let me start over. Umm, one… What was next? I just had it…"

"There's seven of us. And your car is meant to hold five. We're not all going to fit." Rick explained.

"Oh, well what if we all became clowns? Then we could all fit in my car!"

"Cooper, please stop talking." Laura groaned.

"Look, most of us already have white faces, so we would not need to paint them white. The Crow and Jeanne might be out of luck, but if we go slow enough maybe they could sit on the roof. Oh, but then they might ruin the paint job up there. That would not work…"

"Cooper! Stop talking!" Laura snapped. "Anyway, we're here! See? It wasn't that long of a walk, was it, Crow?"

" _The_ Crow, thank you very much! Even Cooper got it right." The Crow muttered.

"Augh!" Laura walked away before she did something she might regret. She walked straight to the fire fountain, passing skeletal trees. Some of the trees merely didn't have leaves, but others were made out of actual skeletons. Skulls hung from the trees instead of fruit. Some of the skeletons still had skin attached to them. These trees didn't whisper, but whimpered. Laura tried to give them a wide berth. Eventually Laura could hear the sound of children running. Whether in fear or play she couldn't tell. Laura hastened her step. The she saw movement out of the corner of her eye. She turned. There! A small hand had just disappeared behind a tree. It was too small to be an adult's, but they must be very thin children to be able to hide behind such a skinny tree. Laura knew who she was dealing with. "Want? Is that you? Ignorance? Come out, please!" Two children stepped out from behind the trees. They were, well, the words of Dickens summed them up pretty well:

"They were a boy and girl. Yellow, meagre, ragged, scowling, wolfish; but prostrate, too, in their humility. Where graceful youth should have filled their features out, and touched them with its freshest tints, a stale and shrivelled hand, like that of age, had pinched, and twisted them, and pulled them into shreds. Where angels might have sat enthroned, devils lurked, and glared out menacing. No change, no degradation, no perversion of humanity, in any grade, through all the mysteries of wonderful creation, has monsters half so horrible and dread."

"Miss Laura!" The girl, Want, cried. She ran up and clung to Laura's leg. The boy mimicked her action on Laura's other side. "We've missed you! When were you going to come play with us again?"

 _Were they really waiting for me? But, I only played with them the one time…_ Laura pulled their arms from her leg and knelt down to their eye level. "I'm sorry. I didn't know you were waiting for me." Laura said.

"Oh! Those poor children!" Deanna exclaimed. The rest of the group had caught up. "Rick, pull out the sandwiches and the cups I have in my bag. Jody, could we have some water? We're not going anywhere until these poor children are fed."

"Of course, Deanna. I completely agree." Jody said as she poured some water from her comically large water tank into the cups Rick handed to her.

"Hey, Cooper, we're going to use you tarp as a picnic blanket. …Cooper?" Jeanne was staring at Cooper, who was staring bug-eyed and open mouth at the children in front of him.

"Hey uh, Cooper? Was it? I know they ain't the prettiest creatures, y'know, but it's still rude to stare like that." The Crow waved his feathered hand in front of Cooper's face.

"I, I know them! Why do I know them? Who are you!?"

"Father! Is that really you?" The boy named Ignorance asked. He ran towards Cooper.

Cooper took several steps back. "Father!? What are you talking about?"

Ignorance looked hurt. "You really don't remember me?"

I- How could I? I do not know you. I do not know anything." Cooper looked surprised at the words that just came out of his mouth. "Why did I say that? I know many things! I am a lawyer! I studied the law, I know- I- What do I know? Laws! The first amendment says, um, something about, um, a peach? The winsome of a peach? No. No, I just do not remember. I do not remember you. You, you, just ignorant about you. Ignore ants. Ignorance! I-" Cooper clutched his head in his hands. His back arched as he screamed. His skin looked as if it was boiling; but the worst spot was right underneath his shoulder blades. The boils ruptured, and burnt red wings shot out of his back amid a flow of blood. His skin burst away, leaving nothing but red. Cooper collapsed. A breeze whimpered through the trees. Then he moved. He pushed himself to his feet, a shriveled husk compared to his old body, but it clearly belonged to someone who has had to do much strenuous labor. He looked towards the group with glowing white eyes, and his hands were covered in calluses. "I… Remember. I'm Paupertas! Augh!" He hunched over in agony.

"Papa!" Want ran to Paupertas' (Cooper's) side. "Are you sick?" She asked with concern.

Cooper didn't look at her. "Why would you care? I… remember. The whole reason you exist in this cursed state is because of me. What good have I been? Just, leave."

Want knelt down next to him. "But I still want you. You're my papa and we missed you, even though we had Miss Invidia to take care of us. So, please just come home with us." Want pleaded. And even though her picture would never be next to a definition of cute or endearing in a dictionary, she was still Paupertas' daughter, and a part of himself recognized that.

He hugged his daughter. "Let's go home." He said before kissing her head. Then he held out his hand for Ignorance to take, and the three of them walked away, retracing their steps back towards Invidia's mansion.

"Wait, no, stop, come back…" Jeanne reached her arm out towards Paupertas' retreating back, but she had zero conviction in her voice.

"It seems that one of our number is no longer with us. Truly, a tragedy." The Crow said solemnly, then cawed in laughter.

"You were a person that I knew." Rick said, putting his hand over his heart.

"May you be a better person than when I knew you." Deanna said.

"Goodbye." Jody said.

Laura didn't say anything. While the others gave their mock goodbyes to the one they had only known as Cooper, Laura remembered the demon Cooper had been – how much he had struggled day after day to provide for his children, and how relieved he was when Invidia came along and was able to help him. However, instead of learning to be satisfied with all that they had, Invidia's poisonous envy spread to everyone she had come into contact with, and Laura feared that Paupertas would never be content with anything as long as he was hers. She couldn't laugh at his fate. Laura walked on.


	18. Chapter 18 Showdown at Sunset in Hell

Author's Notes: This is the end. I had so much fun writing it, but I'm also really glad it's over, and I can focus on other projects. I absolutely loved writing for my characters though, and whoever comes across this, I hope you had fun with them too.

;;;;;;;

"Well, I guess we're done here. Next stop: Satan's palace!" Laura said, trying give off enthusiasm.

"Is it really that close?" Jody asked.

"It's just past the fire fountain and a river filled with souls – basically." Laura said.

"What did the souls do to warrant getting stuck in a river for all eternity?" Rick asked.

"Nothing. Most of the souls belong in other parts of hell, but they just haven't been judged yet. With the influx of people that the 20th century produced, Minos has been running behind. So we just stuck them all in a river. Anyway, between The Crow and I we should be able to fly everyone over with no difficulty. It shouldn't be a challenge." Laura confidently led the way past the fire fountain (It looked a bit like a tiny, always active volcano with black smoke rising from the center) and towards the river. Everyone followed. But then Laura noticed that The Crow was lagging behind. She told the group to just continue going straight, then slowed down to match her steps with The Crow. "Hey, are you doing okay?"

Now that she looked closer, The Crow had tears coming out of his eyes. He rubbed at them and answered, "This… is the other place that people can end up when they split in two. I've heard it's bad, but… everyone seems to be holding so much pain. You're from here, aren't you? How can you stand being here?"

"I…" She remembered a time when she used to love listening to the screams of the hopeless. Why? Did she just want to not feel lonely in her own misery? That's… _No, Laura. Are you really trying to put yourself in a better light? Really? No, you're evil. You were evil. You enjoyed their screams. You laughed at their pain. Why is that hard for you to admit to him? You want The Crow to see you in a better light than what you were, but you know you were evil, and you know you're not like that anymore. So… why do you feel so bothered? What's the truth? 'It used to not bother me, but now…' what? They don't bother me as much as I wish they did. I got used to them a long time ago. These voices still sound like home. That's the truth?_ "I… Got used to them, I guess. They ought to bother me more."

"I see." Said The Crow.

But it was clear he didn't see; and Laura, honestly, was glad for that. No one should be as callous as her. She wondered if it was possible to learn to be bothered by the voices of the hopeless. _But how can I think about that now when I'm on such an important mission? All these voices are just a distraction right now. I've got to focus on getting to Satan. Besides, they're hopeless. I can't do anything for them anyway and caring would just wear myself out. Also: They're decidedly not innocent of wrong. Otherwise they wouldn't have ended up here. I've got to keep moving._

It was around this time in Laura's thoughts that they made it to the river. It was glowing with souls. In its way, it was beautiful. Laura unfurled her wings. "Come on, The Crow. Help me move everyone to the other side."

Without a word, The Crow unfurled his wings and picked up Rick. Laura picked up Deanna. The only sound they could hear was the river wailing beneath them – it was hard to hear anything else. Laura kept her eyes on the shore, but a pull from Deanna caused her to look down. Deanna was saying something. "Hey, Laura? Do you recognize that face down there?" She pointed.

Laura looked down, and almost dropped Deanna. Laura recognized every face she saw in the river. They were the faces of her old students, and of others who had been influenced by her teachings. And, yes, some of Deanna's old friends were also in the river. None of the faces belonged there. But they were all here because of her. _Oh, I guess this challenge is supposed to be catered towards me. Make me feel guilty for my past deeds so that I'll mess up in some way. What, am I supposed to be so weighed down by guilt that I won't be able to continue? He underestimates me._ "It looks, familiar, yes, but we need to focus on getting to the palace. No point in dawdling. There's not much we can do for them anyway." Laura flew faster. She placed Deanna on the ground and flew off to get another person. She picked Jeanne up (she figured The Crow would be less likely to argue with Jody and do something like 'accidentally' dropping her than he would be with Jeanne) and flew back to the other side. When she landed, she noticed that Deanna was bent down, talking to someone in the water. She saw Deanna reaching her hand out. "No! Stop!" Laura yelled. She rushed towards them and pulled Deanna further inland.

"I can get her out! Let me go! I can get her out!" Deanna was crying. She pushed against Laura, but human strength was nothing compared to a demon's, and Laura wouldn't budge.

"No. We need to keep moving." Laura took Deanna's wrist and pulled her to keep her walking. The others followed at a distance.

"But she's my classmate! I know her! What did she do to deserve here? Just let me get her out!" Deanna pulled against Laura's grip, but nothing she did could lessen Laura's hold on her.

Laura turned around. "She doesn't matter! Not right now! We need to move, Deanna. Who cares what she did? Isn't it enough to know that this is the place she has been judged to? Who are we to go against divine judgment? And what are we supposed to do with a soul right now anyway? No more stops. Look, we can see the palace! We're so close!"

"If she doesn't matter, then I don't!" Deanna yelled. "What's to stop me from being in the same place as her? If Rick hadn't come into my life and swept me off into the future, wouldn't I be right there next to her right now? How is my guilt any less?"

Laura huffed. "It's not." What passed as sunlight in the underworld was setting in preparation of their final showdown. They reached the long shadow cast by the palace. "But if it makes you feel any better, her punishment is much less painful than what my punishment will some day be if divine judgment has its way." Laura could make out the guards at the door. She wondered if they would just let her in or if they were stationed there to be another challenge.

Deanna's voice was small and concerned. "How would that make me feel better?"

That made Laura stop. "You know I'm a demon, right? You know it's my job to bring people to hell. I'm the reason your classmate was in that river. And if you had died in the 19th century, I'd be the reason you'd be in hell right now, too. You should be glad for my punishment." Deanna couldn't think of a retort. Laura let go of her wrist and kept walking. She was sure the others would make sure Deanna kept up. There was nothing more Laura could do for Deanna, or her classmate, or for herself. But if they succeeded, at least the future might look a bit brighter for others. At least Laura knew that no more will be in hell because of her.

;;;;;;;

It looked like a sunset. The walls of the palace cast a dark shadow over all they touched. Laura and her group stood under the door, the guards having fled when Laura approached. This was it: The final showdown. Laura and her ragtag group of humans, a (no, sorry, _the_ crow,) and an android against the prince of darkness himself. She couldn't guarantee that anyone would make it out. But at least, if their plan succeeded, Satan wouldn't be able to time travel. That was enough. "Satan is on the other side of this door." Laura said, looking everyone in the eye in turn. "Is everyone ready?"

Rick turned to Deanna. "Before we open the door I want to kiss my wife one last time." Rick and Deanna embraced each other.

"If… I don't survive. If I cease to function, will you all remember me?" Jody asked.

The Crow looked perplexed. "Won't you just go to the other place, like everyone else will? And why is this the last time Rick can kiss his wife? Won't they be able to kiss each other in the other place if-" Jeanne punched him.

"We'll remember you, Jody." Jeanne said. It was what Jody needed to hear.

"Right, now is everyone ready?" Laura asked.

"Ready." Deanna said.

Laura opened the doors. They were heavy, ancient, and recently oiled. What they saw on the other side was darkness. Laura reached into her mirror and pulled out a powerful flashlight. She led the way through the darkness. After a few yards in, the doors slammed behind them and a voice that haunted Laura's nightmares whispered in her ears. "Best to put out that light. It'll ruin the show. You know how he gets." Then a clawed hand snatched away her flashlight and broke it into pieces.

Deanna screamed. Jody tried to reassure her. "It is okay. My eyes can turn into flashlights. We could use-"

"NO!" Laura screamed. "He'll just break you too!" She turned to the demon that she could still hear breathing in her ear. "Won't you, Possidebit?"

She heard a low chuckle. "You know me too well, babe." He raised his voice. "Now then: Three, two, one."

Hail-sized balls of blue twinkling lights began falling from the ceiling. They were faint, and showed nothing of the room. It might have been beautiful if they weren't falling so erratically, or burning them so easily. They zigzagged at angles that defied gravity, or threatened to land on people's faces just to fly off again. They enclosed all around them, pushing everyone closer together. Cramping them. Possidebit's arms encircled around Laura. She hated it, and she was pretty sure the lights were giggling at her discomfort. They moved away and lined up to create a path forward for them. But then twin jets of orange flames gushed up from the ground on both sides of them, destroying the shrieking blue lights. The humans huddled together in fear. Then the flames stopped, just as quickly, plunging them back into darkness. Thunder boomed a moment later. "Come." A deep voice commanded them. The others walked forward. Laura did her best to do so also, but was hampered by Possidebit refusing to loosen his hold on her. The others were much further down the path. A bolt of lightning crashed inside the room up ahead and Laura was forced to close her eyes. When she opened them, she gasped. In front of her was a replica of the great white throne. But it was like the image had been inversed. What should have been light, was darkness. Instead of majesty, glory, and holiness, the words that seared through her brain were:

BLASPHEMY

HORROR

VILENESS

Darkness emanated from the throne except for two glowing, red eyes. "Welcome to the seat of my kingdom!" Satan's voice boomed. "I trust you had a good trip here? Would you like some tea? Refreshments?" Satan stood, easily looking down at them all. Appearing much larger than Laura was used to seeing him. In his hand was the device. "Now, Rick, I believe you came for this." He tossed the device. Rick caught it. There seemed to be a look in his eyes that Laura didn't like. It was, after all, the thing that set him apart, made him powerful, helped his youngest son get the help he needed when he had gotten sick. Would he go through with destroying it? Laura held her breath. Rick seemed to be studying the device for a few moments; then he moved a few pieces, and the device came apart in his hands. Satan frowned. "Is it… Meant to do that?" He asked.

The room was silent, waiting for the answer. To all observers the device looked well and truly broken, but surely no one who was holding something so powerful would have _broken_ it, right? But there it lay, in twisted little pieces, on the floor. Laura could tell Satan was asking himself what he had just witnessed. Once he realize the truth of what just happened, she knew he would erupt into a frenzy. But still, Laura was happy. They had succeeded! Satan wouldn't gain the power of time travel and trillions of humans would and will have less hate-filled and fearful lives. For the first time, Laura felt as if she had lived up to her name. Victory! The laurel was hers. If anyone survived that would just be a bonus.

Possidebit kicked a piece with his foot. "I think it's broken, Father."

With an unholy growl, Satan leapt at Rick. "What did you do!?" He roared. With snarling lips and muscles tense with the anticipation of pouncing on his prey he towered over the group. Here was the Lord of Hell, The Roaring Lion, The Thief, The Prince of Darkness himself. Despite her resolve, Laura shook in fear.

"We broke it." Deanna answered quietly.

"You what!?" Satan, that abomination, howled with the shriek of the mythical banshee.

"Yes! And we'd break it again, and again, if it kept _you_ from it! We'll never stop opposing you!" Deanna was pale, but in that moment, she was braver than any demon in that room had ever dared to be.

"AAARGH!" Satan threw Deanna with such strength that she disappeared into the darkness above. Then he pushed Rick to the ground and ordered him to fix the machine. But before Rick could do anything, Jody blasted Satan with water from her comically large water tank. Despite the strong pressure, it didn't push Satan back, but it obstructed his vision enough for The Crow to collect all the pieces of the devices and help Jeanne to burn them.

Laura, meanwhile, dealt with Possidebit. She pushed Possidebit away, and he landed on his back. She landed on top of him and clawed his face, torso – anywhere she could reach. But he was getting his blows in too. Laura could already feel bruises forming along her arms. With powerful effort, Possidebit rolled him and Laura over so that Laura was beneath him. "You're favorite position." He smirked. Laura screamed.

The whole time, Jody was still blasting Satan with water. "Possidebit! Help me!" Satan yelled. Possidebit didn't move, he was so fixated at watching Laura be helpless beneath him. But then the side of his face began burning, and the curse Satan had placed on him if he was ever disobedient took hold, and Possidebit howled with pain. He became completely incapacitated. Laura easily pushed Possidebit off of her, then flew upward when she saw Deanna falling from above. Laura caught Deanna, who didn't seem badly injured. Laura placed Deanna near the entrance. She was about to bring Rick to the entrance when Jody's water tank ran out. Satan was furious, and his fury only grew when he what Jeanne had done to the device. "I'll destroy you first!" He roared at Jeanne.

"NO!" Laura yelled, stepping between Jeanne and Satan's fist. But, the fist never made contact. With Laura. The Crow, on the other hand, was a different story. The impact hit him like a bird hitting a window on a moving car. He flew – not his normal flying, but he flew – and landed hard against the wall. Jeanne, enraged, pulled out a katana and began to attack Satan. Rick joined in with a hatchet. Laura, though, went to The Crow. "The Crow! The Crow! Can you hear me?" Laura cried.

"Laura... Did I do anything that helped you?" He said, his voice barely audible.

"Yes! Yes you were a huge help! The Crow? Hey! Stay with me!" Laura put her hand on his arm and shook him.

"No can do, miss. I see my friend, and he's calling me home. Can't you see him?"

"No."

"Oh… He's waiting to call you home, too." The Crow said, before disappearing a flurry of feathers.

In his place was a mirror. Laura gasped when she looked inside. Her beautiful, leathery wings looked like they had sprouted feathers. But when she looked again, she realized they were just The Crow's feathers covering her. But she knew what she needed to do. She stood on the other side of the mirror on the ground and called Deanna towards her. Deanna came running, then fell through when her feet landed on the mirror. _one down._ Laura did the same thing with Jody. _two down._ All who were left was Rick and Jeanne. Laura flew. She didn't even try to fight Satan but grabbed Rick and Jeanne and plunged through the mirror with them. The last thing she saw was Satan, that calamitous beast, lunging towards them. But he was too late. They had escaped.

;;;;;;;

The mirror had brought them back to The Crow's dimension. They had stayed there for a few days, nursing their injuries, fearing retaliation. But none came. Eventually, The Crow came back. He was immortal, after all, and rules that affected humans didn't affect him. His friend came with him and told them that heaven had had a little talk with hell, and had reminded hell that who lives or dies wasn't in their jurisdiction. His friend believed hell got the message. The humans were extremely glad they'd be able to go home and see their children again. Then his friend asked Laura something she never thought she'd hear. "Wanna be an angel again? We can help you do what you want to do anyway – love on and teach children."

Laura, surprisingly, didn't altogether reject the offer, but, "All I've ever wanted was my freedom. How do I know you won't take that from me?"

"You've been saying lies about us for so long that you've forgotten what the truth is. Look, I won't force you to do anything, okay? I hope, one day, you can call me 'brother,' a relationship of equals. Not like Satan, who always had you call him 'father' – even though in truth he was much closer to a brother to you in the beginning."

The friend's offer was tempting, but she couldn't yet bring herself to align with heaven. If, she could see that they cared about children as much as she did, she might give him and his people a chance. But for now, she didn't want to adhere herself to anyone. She didn't think just beating herself up for an eternity would help any of the people she loved, but she didn't know what she wanted to do. She needed to make her own decisions. But could she really tell someone like The Crow's friend no? But, she had to. That's how she felt. "I can't. I need to be by myself. Will you strike me down for not completely adhering to your will?"

The friend looked pained at her assumption. "How many times has our Allfather said, 'be not afraid?' Do you strike down your children when they disobey you? …Yes, Deanna, I see your hand and I'm here to tell you that you shouldn't. It's not necessary. Stop! I know what you're going to say and I am telling you that I have lived literally forever and you don't need to spank your kids. …Okay, well _Jesus_ doesn't strike down those who disobey him. …Overturning tables is not the same as striking people down, Laura. Why would you even think that's the same thing? Look, stop, it's obvious y'all just don't understand us. Just, it's cool. I understand. There's been a lot of lies about us. …Laura, what do you mean why am I looking at you? You know why I'm looking at you, Laura! Okay, fine, it's clear y'all just need to be by yourselves. Imma respect that. So, peace!"

And there was peace. The end.

Well, okay, that's a lie. People still had to live in the real world, where little girls made out of fire had trouble making friends, and husbands who once time-traveled still had trouble expressing feelings, and Ignorance and Want walked hand in hand with their parents spreading the pain they feel at their own discontent, and hunters of supernatural creatures still protected their co-workers from creatures who don't understand the frailty of human lives, and android ambassadors still must contend with shadowy government operatives, and ancient creatures who still had demonic tendencies taught schoolchildren. The usual real world stuff.

But there was more peace - or at least more love between a certain group of fairly odd people. So all in all, there was a net gain. The end.


End file.
